第7次“牛郎”评议 兼评历次自由体诗

云尔头像

发布时间:2016-08-02 00:00

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7次“牛郎”评议

兼评历次自由体诗

    

这次评议,我们先重点来说一说自由体诗,再评议本次各位的作品。

中国的诗,从古典诗过度到现代的自由诗,再发展到当代的自由诗歌,符合所有艺术门类的发展演变史。

我们先看看音乐方面:西方有古典音乐宗教音乐;中国也有中国的古典音乐。到近现代,西方风行摇滚乐、爵士乐当代又发展为流行音乐重金属音乐电子音乐、篮调等好几种音乐。中国与时俱进也由美声音乐,到民族音乐到了当代的流行音乐。他喜欢美声唱法,我喜欢民族唱法,你喜欢流行唱法。各有各的欣赏人群,互不干扰。


我们再看看绘画美术方面:西方古典是油画传统,中国有传统的宣画。到近现代,西方从一战时期的:野兽派、表现主义、立体派、未来主义、抽象派;到二战时期的:达达主义、超现实主义、社会现实主义,到二战后的:抽象表现主义、波普艺术、超级写实主义。中国画(宣画)传承下来的有工笔画、水粉画、写意画、水彩画、素描、民间画等等。到当代,西方的艺术流派也在中国绘画界形成不同的流派: 佛罗伦萨达芬奇米开朗基罗拉斐尔画派威尼斯画派,马奈莫奈印象画派,修拉西涅克新印象画派,梵高塞尚高更后印象画派,毕加索波拉克立体派等。有人喜欢中国传统宣画;有人喜欢现代国画(徐悲鸿的马、齐白石的虾);有人喜欢抽象派画、抽象表现主义画。各有各的欣赏人群,互不干扰。

留言区(共28条)

2016-08-05 00:00
云尔老师点评非常细心生动,很有责任心,致敬。<BR>
2016-08-04 00:00
<div> " 春风桃李花开日,秋雨梧桐叶落时。"表面上是写景色,其实更是用景入情,来表达玄宗的心情的变化。 <div> 我也正是借用,梧桐叶落的心情来表达牛郎此时的心情。<span style="line-height:1.5;">也是用一种含蓄的手法。</span><br /> <span style="line-height:1.5;">还有就是七夕已经是秋天了,不是仲夏。</span><br /> <br /> </div> <br /> </div>
2016-08-04 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:32px;font-family:宋体;color:#E53333;">谢谢随风巽愿意来讨论。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">才知道是您的,原词作“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">秋风残月,孤星遗恨,……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">荒荒天际,迢迢银汉,……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”因不妥“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">残月<span>/</span>遗恨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">天际<span>/</span>银汉</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”所以才说不够对偶。改“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">残云流怅,孤星遗恨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”之后,确实好许多了。不过“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">天际<span>/</span>银汉</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”仍欠,敝见下阕之起首不如改为情境描写来代替与上阕似要重复的环境描绘。这当然也与下面要说的章法设计有关。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">继承弘扬清新浅淡风格的作品,是讲究字面逻辑的。如苏辛李(清照)等的这类作品读下来,不需要增加任何辅助句子,或补充任何句子成份,就能完全不打折扣地明了作者的文意。但以李贺为代表的晦涩朦胧风格,则不然。主要是文中大量采用典故,对于不熟悉历史典故的读者,是不容易明了作者的文意的。参见:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">《</span></b><b><span style="font-size:26.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">诗词创作中的两种表现风格</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">》</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"><a href="http://www.wenrenbang.com/member/blog/blogxiugai.asp?wenzhangid=34556">http://www.wenrenbang.com/member/blog/blogxiugai.asp?wenzhangid=34556</a></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”</span></b> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">即使是模仿晦涩朦胧风格,文句的字面逻辑也是需要顾及的。如果要模仿当代自由体诗歌中的“象征派风格”,靠意象(或幻象)来建立文意逻辑,我所见到的诗词公议,都认为是不妥的。就像您的“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">《鹊桥仙》七夕</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”,上阕:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">残云流怅,孤星遗恨,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">何觅断魂归路。笛音一曲夜空寒,又怎忍、霜花飞雨。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">您说是:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">假设了一下牛郎因为王母强行拆散。牛郎匆匆赶来,已无济于事。痴望银河,织女远去的情景。当然也可以这样想,牛郎与织女每年相逢一次,一夜时间实在太过短暂,时间已不知不觉流失。无奈分离。但牛郎仍在河岸这边痴心想望。眼中只有织女星(孤星),恨那王母拆散有情人。这时的牛郎已经忘记了归家的路,拿起他长年带在身上的长笛,声音凄婉,连夜空听了都不觉的冷了。余音过后,止不住的悲伤,心中结霜,泪水飞扬。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">”恐怕读者很难共鸣是何种情形。如果是“难觅牛郎归路”就容易联想是前一种情形;而“心中结霜”是没有联想依据的,觉得不如“泪花飞雨”。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">我仍然觉得</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">“七夕”正值仲夏,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">用</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">“秋风残月”、“霜花飞雨”、“梧桐叶落”的深秋景色来衬托情氛不合适。下阕:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">荒荒天际,迢迢银汉,未道情思已去。梧桐叶落寂无声,隔不住、万分离绪。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">中隔断牛郎织女的是天河,而不是“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">梧桐叶落</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”,因此章法就显得凌乱了。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">您说:“……诗词是需要意会的,不只是表现为一种感情,每个人的出发角度不同,也会有不一样的画面,为何只寻一条路?当然里面也必然掺杂作者的一些情感和自以为是。”</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">——只有意象派诗歌才需要没有给定凭据的意会。没有凭据就只能猜测。猜测既费时费力,往往没有唯一性,不是所有读者都愿意接受的。相信您已经看过了</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:purple;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:26.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">中国现当代自由体新诗的演变</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">”(</span></b> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:purple;"><a href="http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34245">http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34245</a></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:purple;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">一文,对于意象派诗歌的特色与表现方法并不陌生的了,因此不必再做过多的解释。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:purple;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">即使是一种表现手法,描写一种感情,也可以从不同的角度出发,也不会只有一样的画面,不会只有一条思路。但诸如清新浅淡与晦涩朦胧表现风格不同,艺术实践的路子就会迥异了。无论何种表现风格,作者都是要把自己的情感渗透其中的,作者对于自己的表现特色的坚持是应该的,自然会自以为是,这毋庸置疑。目前的任务,只是不同的表现风格(作品和作者)之间,如何建立起共识与共研的桥梁。不是像陌生人见面那样擦身而过,互不切磋点点头而已。没有检索到历代诗词人见到不同表现风格的作品时,如何互相评价。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:purple;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">《鹊桥仙》七夕</span></b><b><span style="font-size:9pt;font-family:Tahoma;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">残云流怅,孤星遗恨,何觅断魂归路。笛音一曲夜空寒,又怎忍、霜花飞雨。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">荒荒天际,迢迢银汉,未道情思已去。梧桐叶落寂无声,隔不住、万分离绪。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-03 00:00
咱诗社如果多几个云尔老师这样敬业的老师,忒牛了。向老师致敬
2016-08-03 00:00
问好老先生,致敬,点评生动详细。
2016-08-03 00:00
非常感谢云儿老师的精彩点评。学习再三,获益匪浅。对拙作的评价很是中肯。存在的问题以后自当注意!问好老师,辛苦了!
2016-08-03 00:00
感谢云尔老师的精彩点评,又学到了很多知识
2016-08-03 00:00
谢谢雅梅。不知您的是哪一首?
2016-08-03 00:00
谢谢天外飞仙!文中提到了你的作品。。
2016-08-03 00:00
“不懂”君客气了!谢谢光临!
2016-08-03 00:00
才子不必客气,多提宝贵意见才是!
2016-08-03 00:00
我看到了,老师,你的评价对我是一种激励,我不喜欢象征派,我只想自由自在的表现自己。
2016-08-03 00:00
云尔老师辛苦
2016-08-03 00:00
多谢云尔老师的指点。一针见血,痛快淋漓之至。我受益颇深。
2016-08-03 00:00
<span style="font-size:24px;">《鹊桥仙》七夕</span><br /> <br /> <span style="font-size:24px;">残云流怅,孤星遗恨,何觅断魂归路。笛音一曲夜空寒,又怎忍、霜花飞雨。</span><br /> <br /> <span style="font-size:24px;">荒荒天际,迢迢银汉,未道情思已去。梧桐叶落寂无声,隔不住、万分离绪。</span><br /> <br /> <span style="font-size:24px;">第一次写个词牌,了解还不够全面,在第二天就改了“残云流怅”,这样应该对偶。</span><br /> <br /> <span style="font-size:24px;">本次主题为牛郎,没按图写。也没想按图写。因为这样的题材实在太多。</span><br /> <br /> <span style="font-size:24px;">假设了一下牛郎因为王母强行拆散。牛郎匆匆赶来,已无济于事。痴望银河,织女远去的情景。</span><br /> <br /> <span style="font-size:24px;">当然也可以这样想,牛郎与织女每年相逢一次,一夜时间实在太过短暂,时间已不知不觉流失。无奈分离。但牛郎仍在河岸这边痴心想望。眼中只有织女星(孤星),恨那王母拆散有情人。这时的牛郎已经忘记了归家的路,拿起他长年带在身上的长笛,声音凄婉,连夜空听了都不觉的冷了。余音过后,止不住的悲伤,心中结霜,泪水飞扬。上阙如此,下阙也就条理了。</span><br /> <br /> <p> <span style="font-size:24px;">我个人一直认为,诗词是需要意会的,不只是表现为一种感情,每个人的出发角度不同,也会有不一样的画面,为何只寻一条路?当然里面也必然掺杂作者的一些情感和自以为是。</span> </p> <p> <br /> </p> <span style="font-size:24px;"></span>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">(本帖最下部图片为 六幅抽象派画作)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:maroon;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">文学如诗歌作品这一类呢?也是一样流变的。关于诗歌的近现代化,我在“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">中国现当代自由体新诗的演变</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">”(见</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:blue;"><a href="http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34245">http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34245</a></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">)一文中做了系统的介绍。但</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">自由体诗</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">由</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">现代派</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">风格发展到</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">当代派</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">风格,就有许多人不清楚脉络而迷糊了。这里有必要再重复说几句。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">我们把古典诗定为一</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:blue;">A</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">级(以苏轼风格为代表的清新派为</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:blue;">1aa</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">,以李商隐风格为代表的隐晦派为</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:blue;">1ab</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">),把从上世纪</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:blue;">20</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">年代到</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:blue;">60</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">年代盛行的自由体诗歌定为二</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:blue;">B</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">级现代派诗歌,基本上是写实的,也叫“写实派”诗歌。这一代诗歌的主流打破了古典诗体的句数限制和句内的平仄韵律,但主要的</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">2ba</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">类保留了偶数句至少段落末押韵的特征。<span>70</span>年代改革开放以后,发展成三<span>C</span>级当代派自由体诗歌,其中最有代表性的象征派诗歌则完全摈弃了韵律要求。不仅如此,内容上极尽朦胧。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">原来,以北岛、舒婷、顾城等为代表从上世纪七八十年代开始的现代派诗叫做“朦胧诗”。北岛的“回答”,舒婷的“致橡树”,顾城的“感觉” 其实并不怎么朦胧。三级当代派诗歌是</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">新生代<span>” </span>即<span>“<a href="http://baike.baidu.com/view/242.htm" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration:none;"><span>第三代诗人</span></span></a>”</span>写的先锋派诗歌</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">,叫“后朦胧派”或叫</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">朦胧诗后<span>”</span>,其朦胧程度才够份。(</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">后朦胧派</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">”又可细分为:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">新新诗词文学派、窗诗派、泰戈尔体诗歌、灵性诗歌、新江西诗派、<span>80</span>后诗人、边缘诗派、春草派诗歌、<span>90</span>后诗人 、素颜派诗人、流萤诗派、新传统派、</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">下半身写作、荒诞主义、垃圾派等</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">”)等,各有不同的风格追求。其中春草诗派、流萤诗派、素颜派也不很朦胧,</span></b><span class="ask-title2"><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">素颜韵脚诗还保留了一级诗特征的韵脚</span></b></span><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">。只有非非主义、新死亡诗派等是比较更朦胧的。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">另一种分法是把当代诗歌分成</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">朦胧派、象征派、新月派</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">三类。(新月派如徐志摩“再别康桥”)<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">当今</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">象征派诗歌</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">最为时新,需要多说几句。这方面我本是外行,这里只能根据资料略微介绍一些。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">象征诗派</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">源于法国象征主义,又继承了中国古典诗李商隐晦涩朦胧的风格,注重自我心灵的艺术表现,摒弃客观性,偏爱主观性,追求观念联络的奇特,通过多义的但却是强有力的象征来暗示诗人的思想。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:43.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:43.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">象征诗派的基本观点是:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:0cm;text-indent:0cm;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">①<span style="font-weight:normal;font-size:7pt;font-family:'Times New Roman';">&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">. </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">他们认为现实世界是虚幻的、痛苦的,人们内心的“另一个世界”才是美的,应是主观唯心主义的。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:18.0pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">②<span style="font-weight:normal;font-size:7pt;font-family:'Times New Roman';">&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">. </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">诗歌应表现自我的“内心梦幻”而不是再现现实。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:0cm;text-indent:0cm;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">③<span style="font-weight:normal;font-size:7pt;font-family:'Times New Roman';">&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">. </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">用象征来沟通两个世界:外界事物与人的内心世界是互相感应契合的,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">可以用有声有色的物象来暗示微妙的内心世界。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">④<span>. </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">崇尚朦胧晦涩:“诗是必须有谜的。”</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">马拉美“诗写出来原是叫人一点一点地去猜想,这就是暗示,即梦幻。”<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.8pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">象征诗派的艺术手法是:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">1</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">、通过象征性形象和意境去暗示诗人心灵世界的某种感受。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">他们认为客观外物能与人的心灵相互感应契合,是能向人们发出信息的“象征森林”。象征就是通过特定的具体形象来表现与之相对应的思想情感。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">象征诗里的形象既是它们本身,又不仅是它们本身,具有内涵的多义性和不确定性。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">、奇特的想象和新奇的比喻。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">象征诗派以表现内心世界为创作的唯一任务,那么想象就极为重要,波特莱尔说:“想象力是真理的皇后。”“象征诗派要表现的是些微妙的情境,比喻是他们的生命</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">;其比喻的主观随意性很强,以自己的独特的感觉将相互疏远,几乎毫无联系的事物构成比喻关系。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">3</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">、广泛运用通感手法。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">打通视、嗅、触、味、听觉等感觉的界限,让它们彼此沟通,造成了强烈的艺术效果。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">、观念联络的奇特。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">将一些表面上并不相关的观念或事物组织在一想,抽掉使之联系的关系词语,形成意象的跳跃性,加强诗的刺激性。<span></span></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">而阅读诸如这样的诗:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">一棵皂荚树的爱情</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">你对早春的示爱<span>/</span>有些迟钝<span>/</span>只能远望着桃花<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">你只顾一路奔波<span>/</span>青春,却像抓不住的泥鳅<span>/</span>滑落在脚下<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">还好,有秋雨等你<span>/</span>洗去尘埃,<span>/</span>读你窗口的书签<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">云</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:red;"> </span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">云爬到山腰,驻足回望<span>/</span>离开故乡时,还是早春<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">风是个糟糕的艺术家<span>/</span>把一个少女化成了老马<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">行囊装上绿叶、花香和梦<span>/</span>有风作伴,向秋天出发<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">你翻过远山,就是大海<span>/</span>我也从海边来。<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">香皂</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">你还有些少女的羞涩<span>/</span>趁着壁灯有些困盹<span>/</span>慢慢卸下捆绑的胸衣<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">对丰满的事物多看几眼<span>/</span>比如明月,浓的香气<span>/</span>薰衣草盛开在春天<span> //</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">河边微凉的风,拂过<span>/</span>脸庞的圆和脚踝的弧<span>/</span>一条鱼从你的手指间滑过<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">被网捕获的,剩下一些碎片<span>/</span>被扔在更灰暗的角落里<span>/</span>叶子从湿润到干枯<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">清晨,阳光过来<span>/</span>你蜷缩成一只白茧<span>/</span>不,那是蝴蝶<span>/-------//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">这些诗要增加哪些思维脉络,才能说全完整的故事呢?恐怕就没有一致的诠释了。读者见仁见智的见解,可以演绎出完全不同的版本。不同的版本之间差异之大可以超乎作者的预期。例如一位学习象征派诗的学员写了一篇习作叫四个评委看,结果三个评委给了高分</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">9.4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">左右,另一个竟然给了不及格,说是跑题了。评委之间的歧义令习作者有些茫然。这也许就是象征派诗作所刻意追求的吧。学习班师生们都已或正在努力适应这种诗风的特色尚且如此,那把这种风格的诗发到各种风格杂陈的一般读者(</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">QQ</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">或者微信)群里,发到不以此风格为主导的论坛里,又有多少读者能响应,并愿意去猜测作者原本的用意呢?敬而远之不就是必然的吗?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">在象征派诗歌学习班上,学员有下面这样一篇习作。题目是:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">要走多久,才到草原</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”,原文是:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">质疑者胸闷,叹息声<span>/</span>被下午的阳光照耀出原形<span>/</span>——渴望黄昏,路边小亭招风<span>/</span>吹醒顽固的思想<span>//<br /> </span>不累也该停下来,何况身后<span>/</span>灰尘未落:看了一眼的小花朵<span>/</span>已经陷入迷茫之中<span>//<br /> </span>在黑夜抬头,星辰变幻成马匹<span>/</span>一只倦鸟皈依于树梢<span>/</span>月光照在哪里,哪里亮堂堂<span>//<br /> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">老师是这样点评的:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">第一节很有新意,很意识流的写法。我们在欣赏意识流诗歌的时候,要跟得上作者情绪的变化,跟得上他意识上的变化。因为它往往是意识上的东西,它带来的意义会更宽泛,更宽阔的想象。思想性就比较复杂一些,比如说它写到这些事物,所代表、表达的象征意义就比较宽泛。第二节,仍然是承接上节来的,还是意识流。这首诗很有意思,第一句就把题目直接拽进来了,把题目当成了引子,把题目当成疑问句,“质疑者”就是对这个问句自然的承接。整首诗走意识流,采用梦幻式写法,但是它的意义却是很清晰的,我们对于生活、梦想、理想的质疑可能带来内心当中的迷茫,疼痛和不确定,这是很贴切的写法。代表的意义很宽泛。第三节,他又把这种意识中抽象的感觉实物化。星辰变幻成马匹,既带来宽阔的想象,象征着他对理想和追求依然有方向。但是第二句“一只倦鸟皈依于树梢”,这个过程是疲惫的,只是心里边还像有月光一样。这首诗尽管是完全虚幻的意识流写法,但是它的象征意义很宽泛,带来的想象空间很大。整首诗比较有波澜起伏,矛盾冲突比较强烈,带来的内心感受比较真实。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">看了老师这个点评,对我们一般读者欣赏原诗,几乎没有多少帮助。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">另一方面,如果一个完全没有接触过象征派诗歌风格的人,突然闯进你们学习班所在的群里,发出一篇完全不是象征派风格的诗,就像一个没看清门牌冒失闯进别人家里的邻居,请他退出便是,那也不能嘲讽人家“屁都不知”吧?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">例如有人作“<span style="color:red;">晨练</span>”:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">阳光<span>/</span>把树枝温柔地拨开<span>/</span>清晨<span>/</span>泄了下来。<span>//</span>两只小鸟<span>/</span>盯着我的脚步<span>/</span>随风徘徊。<span>//</span>几丝蛛网<span>/</span>牵住我的头发<span>/</span>诉说着<span>/</span>一夜的等待。<span>//</span>一步,两步,三步<span>/</span>寻找生活的节拍<span>/</span>空气、阳光,清风<span>/</span>山头落满了爱。<span>//</span>我把树枝拨开<span>/</span>接受你的恩赐<span>/</span>我的心<span>/</span>踏上了云彩。<span>//</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">我看明显是属于</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bc</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类作品。我读了留言说“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">能读出韵致来</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”,作者说:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:#993300;">昨天在几个群里都被人说的啥也不是,他们还给我发作品看,结果,我根本看不懂。哎,为什么他们要津津乐道于比古诗词更难懂的所谓的新“诗”呢?我实在看不懂那些比古诗词更难懂的所谓的新“诗”,西方文化的入侵让大家疯了。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">这位作者,自然还不知道象征派诗歌的表现手法,自己的作品怎么不符合他们的写作规范,难怪他有这种牢骚。不过象征派诗群的组织者参与者,对走错门的读者如何说话,难道不应该从中总结出一些必要的教训吗?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">本人只能大体分出二级现代派与三级当代派的作品。对象征派诗歌的创作不熟悉,也不偏好,更缺乏深入的研究。对当代派其他各种不同写作风格,也不太分得出他们的差异。质言之。大部分派别的表现手法也不像象征派风格那样差别那么大。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">没人比较诗仙和诗圣的作品孰优孰劣;苏轼的清新李商隐的含蓄,各有崇拜互不毁誉。今人的现当代自由诗,都是万紫千红诗歌百花园中的一朵,也没有必要分出你长我短。但话又要说回来,要进行“鲜花比赛”,硬要投票评比一二三等奖的话,就只能比一种花。要比牡丹就得都是牡丹才能比!各种花都端来,就只能开“展览会”,而不好评比。你投牡丹,我投菊花,他投月季,没什么意义。不但谁也说服不了谁,徒然影响种花赏花人之间的团结。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">本期评议之前,说了这许多,供大家参考。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">(本帖最下部为 四幅抽象表现主义画作)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:maroon;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">这就很清楚了,<span style="color:maroon;">看抽象派绘画:你要把那些看似没有关联的线条、色彩和图形元素通过想象,找到内在的关系,把它们联系起来,才能看懂绘画的主题</span>。同样,<span style="color:fuchsia;">象征派诗歌:你要把那些看似没有关联的词语、句子和意象元素通过想象,找到内在的关系,把它们联系起来,才能看懂诗作的主题。</span>如果你缺乏这种训练,不具备这种想象的能力,找不到它们的脉络(内在联系),就会坠入五里雾中,不知所云。李商隐的朦胧晦涩诗是以典故为基础成句,要求你熟悉各种经典的历史掌故,你才能领悟诗句的含蓄美;象征派自由诗以意象为脉络连接一个个孤立的客体成句成篇,要求你熟稔熟谙约定俗成的脉络规则,你才能自如地写作与欣赏。这种风格的自由诗与写实派自由诗是截然不同的。如果你只承袭了写实派的风格,例如:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">黄山松 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">张万舒<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">好!黄山松,我大声为你呼好,<span>/</span>谁有你挺的硬,扎的稳,站的高;<span>/</span>九万里雷霆,八千里风暴,<span>/</span>劈不歪,砍不动,轰不倒!<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">要站就站上云头,<span>/</span>七十二峰你峰峰皆到;<span>/</span>要飞就飞上九霄,<span>/</span>把美妙的天堂看个饱!<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">不怕山谷里阴风的夹袭,<span>/</span>你双臂一抖,抗的准,击的巧!<span>/</span>更不畏高山雪冷寒彻骨。<span>/</span>你折断了霜剑,扭弯了冰刀!<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">谁有你的根底艰难贫苦啊,<span>/</span>就从那紫色的岩上挺起了腰!<span>/</span>即使是裸露着的根须,<span>/</span>也把山岩紧紧地拥抱!<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">你的雄姿像千古高峰不动摇!<span>/</span>每一根针叶都闪烁着骄傲;<span>/</span>那背阳的阴处,你横眉怒扫,<span>/</span>向着阳光,你迸出劲枝万千条<span>//</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">呵,黄山松,我热烈地赞美你。<span>/</span>我要学你艰苦奋战,不屈不挠,<span>/</span>看!在这碧紫透红的群峰之上,<span>/</span>你像昂扬的战旗在呼啦啦地飘。<span>//</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:40.5pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">或者你只欣赏新月派的风格,例如:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">再别康桥</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:red;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">徐志摩</span></b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <span>&nbsp;</span><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">轻轻的我走了,<span>/</span>正如我轻轻的来;<span>/</span>我轻轻的招手,<span>/</span>作别西天的云彩。<span>//</span>那河畔的金柳,<span>/</span>是夕阳中的新娘,<span>/</span>波光里的艳影,<span>/</span>在我的心头荡漾。<span>/</span>软泥上的青荇,<span>/</span>油油的在水底招摇;<span>/</span>在康河的柔波里,<span>/</span>我甘心做一条水草<span>!/</span>那榆荫下的一潭,<span>/</span>不是清泉,是天上虹;<span>/</span>揉碎在浮藻间,<span>/</span>沉淀着彩虹似的梦。<span>//</span>寻梦?撑一支长篙,<span>/</span>向青草更青处漫溯,<span>/&nbsp; </span>满载一船星辉,<span>/</span>在星辉斑斓里放歌。<span>/</span>但我不能放歌<span>,/</span>悄悄是别离的笙箫;<span>/</span>夏虫也为我沉默,<span>//</span>沉默是今晚的康桥!<span>/</span>悄悄的我走了,<span>/</span>正如我悄悄的来;<span>/</span>我挥一挥衣袖,<span>/</span>不带走一片云彩。<span>//</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">&nbsp; </span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">你再来看象征派诗歌,例如:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">在路上</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">那一年,太阳很大</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">挂在山路上</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">她被剃头游街</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">//<br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">后来,听说他要回家</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">她扔掉拐杖</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">像爬不动的独轮车</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">//<br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">那天,她还没走远</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">等到白发的他跪在坟前</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">月亮那么圆</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">//</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">假如你不知道</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">50</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">年前那个畸形的年代,不能把省略的脉络补上,怎能读懂这一对夫妻在“<span style="color:fuchsia;">在</span>人生的<span style="color:fuchsia;">路上</span>”有怎样的故事?——红<span style="color:fuchsia;">太阳</span>高高<span style="color:fuchsia;">挂</span>着,那就如同一段曲折的爬<span style="color:fuchsia;">山</span>之<span style="color:fuchsia;">路</span>,极左运动给<span style="color:fuchsia;">她剃</span>了阴阳<span style="color:fuchsia;">头游街</span>;她的丈夫更是被关进了监狱,<span style="color:fuchsia;">他</span>被放出来(<span style="color:fuchsia;">要回家</span>)的时候,<span style="color:fuchsia;">她扔掉拐杖</span>,踉踉跄跄去迎接他;而她终于扛不住先他而死了。他守她到<span style="color:fuchsia;">白发</span>,孤守蜷缩<span style="color:fuchsia;">在坟前</span>,<span style="color:fuchsia;">月亮</span>虽是<span style="color:fuchsia;">圆</span>了,他们夫妻却永不能再团圆。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">在评议同题诗会各位作品之前,先看看发在“青岛诗社”论坛各位的作品的情况。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">下面是截至</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">7</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">月</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">22</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">日论坛自由诗版大致前两页中各位的自由体诗作</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">57</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">篇。限于篇幅,后面的未能录入;限于总须截止成篇,新发的未能录入。这里的诗风类别区分,有些并不严格准确,主要是敝人精力有限,没有将各种诗风仔细探究研讨,有些类别的风格特征也不是十分明晰。各位其他的作品,可以参照这里的分法,大致对号入座。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">所属类别大体区分的好处是大家可以主动地知道诗风差别,不致互相类比而生歧义。这有利于各种风格在一坛的交流共存。取互相参考之利,而祛相轻难免褒贬扬抑之弊。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">表中代号见“<span style="color:red;">中国现当代自由体新诗的演变</span>”:<span style="color:red;"></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"><a href="http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34245">http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34245</a></span></b> </p> <table class="MsoTableGrid" border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" style="border-collapse:collapse;border:none;"> <tbody> <tr> <td width="91" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:黑体;color:red;">作<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:黑体;color:red;">者<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:黑体;color:red;">篇<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:黑体;color:red;">名<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:黑体;color:red;">大体属<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:黑体;color:red;">于类别<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:黑体;color:red;">风格<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:黑体;color:red;">特征<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="4" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">杨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">秀</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">花</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">喜欢一个人静<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">相携为伴<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bb(c)</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMYW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">冰凌窗花<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">红烛<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">那山</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">那水</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">昙花<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">雨夜<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">我从陌上走过<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="4" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">自娱</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">自乐</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">真爱<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="4" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="4" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">美丽的街道<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">下雨了(组诗)<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">大沽河之爱<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="5" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">顺应</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">自然</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">你经过了我的心<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3cc</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">绿<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="4" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="4" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">我不要成为疯子<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">翻过墙的喇叭花<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">乡村的记忆<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">海棠</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">梧桐树下<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">家乡的小河<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">冰馨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">诗玥</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">亮剑<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bb</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMYM</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">风吹若影花瓣下<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">浮生</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">如梦</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">栀子花开<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bb</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMYW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">不懂</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">棋山初冬<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">醉莲</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">杏花开了<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p 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rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">艨子</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">我在等你的回答<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bb(c)</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMW(Y)M</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">工地上丰收的秋天<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">零度</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">空间</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">莲<span>*</span>初心<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3cx</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">葡萄架下<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">沉默的碾盘<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bc</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">[3cc]</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMYW</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">[QMW(Y)Y]</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="9" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">翰墨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">如烟</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">我认识的一个女孩<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="9" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="9" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">待我老了<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">红袖轻舞<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">轻捻一缕墨的芬芳<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">与你相逢温柔了岁月<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">与春相逢温柔了岁月<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">清雅阁<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">雨中的荷<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">我的江山<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">云尔</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">致兰花<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bb</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMYW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">叶儿与枝儿的爱情<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bd</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMYW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">苏先</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">生</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">儿语<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3cb</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">HSWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">香气</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">美人</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">生活旮旯里找来的诗<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3cx</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMW(Y)W</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">岁月之花<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">风不会停下<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="3" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">光戈</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">唐岛湾公园夏趣<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3cc</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="2" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMW(Y)W</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">亲之品情之韵<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">悟<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="91" rowspan="11" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">江水</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">清清</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">法桐树的夏天<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">QMWW</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">云<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3ca</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">HSWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">一棵皂荚树的爱情<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> <td width="120" rowspan="9" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3cb</span></b> </p> </td> <td width="175" rowspan="9" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;">HSWW</span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">红酒<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">葡萄<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">雾<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">我的邻居<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">在路上<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">姥姥的兰花<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">香皂<span></span></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="252" valign="top" style="border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;"> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> </td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">在评议本次作品之前,先再看看历次参加同题诗会的自由体诗歌。这些作品基本属于不朦胧</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类的,因此多说几句。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类中前几类:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2ba</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">、</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bb</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">、</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bc</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">、</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bd</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">主要着眼于古典风格保留的多少。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2ba</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">保留了绝句的字句数与</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">12</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">或</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">用韵规则,只是没有句内平仄韵律,很类古风。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bb</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">字句数放宽了;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bc</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">用韵也放弃了;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bd</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">纯散文体诗。(</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2b</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">e</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">~<span>q</span>是现代风格诗歌,一般都不沿袭古典风格。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">1</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">次同题诗会“春雨”中的两首自由体诗,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">12</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼作品“春雨”:<span>&nbsp;<br /> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">终于不再随风流浪<span>/</span>把自己冻成一朵花<span>/</span>是你对春的向往<span>/</span>你说过<span>/</span>归来时会是另一个模样<span>/</span>我知道,我知道的<span>/</span>你是我眼睛里的忧伤<span>//<br /> </span>倾诉如你一样细腻<span>/</span>思念如你一样绵长<span>/</span>我在大地的每一个角落把你珍藏<span>/</span>你洗亮我的苍穹<span>/</span>汇聚成彩虹的种子<span>/</span>在我的心里疯长<span>/</span>疯长成,草尖上的露珠<span>/</span>疯长成,荒漠里的希望<span>//<br /> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">属于有<span>ang</span>韵的<span>2bb</span>类,句间很有韵味。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">11</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼作品“春雨”:<span style="color:maroon;"><br /> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">雨,还在下<span>/</span>春天的雨<span>/</span>总这样多情<span>/</span>月老的红线<span>/</span>串起了情人的眼泪<span>/</span>没有波涛汹涌的汇聚<span>/</span>只是一串一串的<span>/</span>挂在心上<span>/<br /> </span>没有呐喊<span>/</span>只是悄无声息<span>/</span>悄无声息的<span>/</span>想把自己凝成一朵<span>/<br /> </span>瓢飞的花瓣<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">属于无韵的<span>2bc</span>类,但情思飞扬。现在看来,这两首作品我觉得是历次同题诗会中自由体诗歌的佼佼者。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">次“春花烂漫”,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">10</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼“迎春花”:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">我相信她是善良的,尽管这句话苍白无力<span>/</span>春寒料峭啊<span>/</span>翻开这一页,你会看到<span>/</span>她一个人<span>/</span>黄昏时到达,赤着脚<span>/</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">11</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">“桃醉<span>”:</span>“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">你说,春天是红色的<span>/</span>她说,春天是粉色的<span>/</span>春天被孩子们的画笔涂满了一张<span>/</span>春天是一首诗<span>/</span>春天是一片海洋<span>//</span>……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”两</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">作品有</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bd</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">白描的特色也有</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3c</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">级富于遐思的特点;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">8</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼作品迎“春花”:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">村边的小山之下,<span>/</span>道路告别了冬雪融化,<span>/</span>有雪水的滋润,<span>/</span>让人们看到盛开的黄花,<span>/</span>她告诉我,那就是迎春花。<span>//</span>……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”有韵脚也直白是</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bc</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类的。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#99CCFF;">(第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:#99CCFF;">3</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#99CCFF;">次夏雨绸缪没有自由体诗歌。)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:#99CCFF;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">次“江水”,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">3</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼<span>1531</span>号作品《克服江水》:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">我们当年坐着船<span>/</span>在两岸来来回回<span>/</span>看着满满的江水<span>/</span>愁烦填满天地<span>/</span>如何保证这彩虹桥的工期<span>//</span>……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”纯属散文句式了,应属<span>2bd</span>,缺少诗情诗味。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">5</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">次“江山”有四首自由体诗。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼<span>1912</span>号作品《桥在江山里》:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">有山有江有水<span>/</span>虽然很美很美<span>/</span>但大山的子民<span>/</span>要出入,需要过江涉水<span>//</span>……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”<span>2bd</span>类,大多叙事性散文的句式,不足为诗;<span>5</span>楼<span>2021</span>号作品《江山》:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">你可是<span>/</span>英雄指点的江山<span>/</span>尽管秋去冬来<span>/</span>季节在更换<span>/</span>历史的风云突变<span>/</span>看今朝<span>/</span>英雄的豪情依旧<span>/</span>漫步云端<span>//</span>……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”;<span>11</span>楼<span> 2447</span>号作品《江山遐想》:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">一幅《江山》<span>/</span>点亮眸中的星光<span>/</span>参悟不出它的语意<span>/</span>默默对视<span>/</span>断然,是我渺小的诠释<span>//</span>……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”;<span>12</span>楼<span> 2454</span>号作品 江山,“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">一棵大树<span>&nbsp; </span>一个信仰<span>/</span>在明波暗涌中成长<span>/</span>于酷暑严寒中屹立<span>/</span>无怨无悔<span>&nbsp; </span>保护着她的子民<span>//</span>……</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”均类散文,大致都属于<span>2bd</span>类,具体意见第四次评议时都说过了,不再重复。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">第<span>6</span>次<span> 6</span>楼<span> 3059</span>号作品 心愿:“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">生活着平静的光阴不言不语<span>/</span>日子的花朵开着惊喜的<span>/</span>一瓣又一瓣的岁月<span>/</span>你用热血文字<span>/</span>拉近了我们一次又一次的距离<span>//</span>……飞吧,飞<span>/</span>带上我,带上文字<span>/</span>一起自由自在飞吧<span>/</span>如果有一天<span>/</span>我失去了平衡<span>/</span>我不气馁<span>/</span>在某个枝头稍息<span>/</span>紧紧跟进<span>//</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”我觉得此诗由意象串联组成,应该属于<span>3cc</span>类新月派诗歌(或<span>3cx</span>类先锋派诗歌),但不属于<span>3cb</span>象征派诗歌。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">在评议本次同题诗会各位作品之前,我试着模仿“流萤派诗歌”的风格,写一首此次诗会应征的</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3cm</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类自由体诗歌作品如下:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">鹊桥会</span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:UiCTFontTextstyleBody;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">她是神仙,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">她的簪子可以划出天河,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">不能无情地阻断,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">人间的挚爱。</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">我们有成千累万,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">架一座虹桥——<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">——完成你们的心愿。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">我日思夜想,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">今日是复制的梦里的模样?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">终于有了,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">泪眼对视的时光。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">让此刻定格吧!<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">把儿女的问候——<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">——</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">一</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">同贴进你的胸膛!<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">我何尝不一样?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">泪水分不开莽天的云遮雾障。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">快抱紧我,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">千金难买的对视相向。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">久一点再久一点,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">切莫辜负了——<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">——雀儿们的情意绵长。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">下面对第七次主题“牛郎”诗会的作品做一些点评。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">本次诗会要求是:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">1</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">、看图写意。</span></strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:fuchsia;"><br /> </span><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">2</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">、近体格式:五律(首句不入韵);或七律(首句入韵);限韵:下平十二侵;(初学者可以不限韵)</span></strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:fuchsia;"><br /> </span><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">3</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">、古风格式:五或七言</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">12</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">句以上,指定韵部:平声第十四类;新韵九</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">.</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">文;(初学者可以不限韵部)</span></strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:fuchsia;"><br /> </span><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">4</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">、自由体诗:至少三段</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">18</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">行;(有些体式,可以任意发挥不做限制。)</span></strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;"><br /> <strong>5</strong></span><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">、词曲赋:词平韵体自选词牌(附谱)韵部《词林正韵》第六部的平声部;新韵:九</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">.</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">文;曲赋不限牌式。(初学者可以不限韵部)</span></strong><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">本次诗会一共投稿</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">15</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">篇,自由体诗作</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">篇;词作</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">6</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">篇;七律</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">篇;古风</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">篇。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">先说说</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">篇自由体诗作。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;color:fuchsia;">5</span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;color:fuchsia;">3330</span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;color:fuchsia;">&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">《致工地牛郎》</span></b><b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">你是一个工地上的牛郎</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">工地是你的第二故乡</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">天天与爱人隔着银河相望</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">为着山野不再荒凉</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">离开家乡你奔向远方</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">筑路架桥依靠你的肩膀</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">家中的儿女、父母</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">交给亲爱的孩子他娘</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">白天在工地来回徜徉</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">梦里回到当初的新房</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">想看看孩儿的课本</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">再看看白发苍苍的亲娘</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">工地的施工正紧</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">等架完最后一片桥梁</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">就坐上快快的火车</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">奔回遥远的故乡</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">去看你永远的新娘</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">这一首自由诗基本属于</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bd</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类用了</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">ang</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">韵的散文诗。到七夕想到牛郎织女鹊桥相会,就联想到出外打工的人,想到工地上的建设者与妻子也是银河相隔,是作者同情心的体现。创意是很好的。只是语句还缺乏雕琢,用情不够生动,因此诗的味道淡了些。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">7</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3418</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">《鹊桥》</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> <span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">每次到了七月之际<span>/</span>时间就显得很漫长<span>/</span>而牛郎与织女的相见<span>/</span>让七月充满了浪漫<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">她们即使相距很远<span>/</span>却两颗痴心早已相连<span>/</span>牛郎挑着她们爱情的结晶<span>/</span>等候在鹊桥的旁边<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">飞舞的喜鹊<span>/</span>唱着悦耳的情歌<span>/</span>为她们的团聚庆贺<span>/</span>满天的星星也闪着光芒<span>/</span>为那夜的爱情而失眠<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">一座鹊桥<span>/</span>连接了两颗相爱的真心<span>/</span>浅浅的银河<span>/</span>见证了她们的誓言<span>/</span>七月的天空<span>/</span>写满了关于她们的爱情<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您的这首自由诗属于无韵的</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bd</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类散文体诗。只是对于七夕牛郎织女鹊桥相会进行诠释,显得缺乏新意,因此也难以给人留下深刻印象。希望作者写作这一类题材时,多参考一些别人的创意。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">10</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3490</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">牛郎</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">你是一个放牛郎</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">朴实憨厚又善良</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">仙女和你大胆地恩爱了一场</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">你是仙女的宠郎</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">怎么?孤独寂寞又彷徨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">…/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">一切集于你身上</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">一轮弯月对着满天繁星</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">诉说夜的幽长</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">天上的浮云望着太阳</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">倾诉风曾经的疯狂</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">银河水面又高涨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">不知爱人现在咋样</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">直叫人挂肚牵肠</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">执着不曾改变</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">守望地老天荒</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">感动雀鸟</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">感动上苍</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">七夕</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">延续你们的故事</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">雀桥真诚四海名扬</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">这次以这个图片作为写诗提示,是希望作者写两地相思苦的,这一篇和上一篇的作者都没有意识到这一要求。就图片诠释图片了。这一首自由诗仍然是</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">ang</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bd</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类散文诗。创意挖掘的深度不够。缺乏打动人的情感要素。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">关于自由体诗,我还想多说几句。有些人认为自由体,顾名思义“自由”就是没有任何要求的意思,把想说的话一行行排起来就是自由体诗了。我认为其实不然,诗有诗的思维方式,诗有诗的语言特色。虽然有各种不同的风格特征,但上面这两点是一致的。因此我认为自由体诗也需要学习。如何学习各人的途径可以不同。按一种典型风格的范诗先模仿也许是一条捷径。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">12</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp; 3504</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">牛郎织女</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">千里银河寒</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">浪高蛟龙翻</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">最狠王母心</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">不见真情显</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">叹,叹,叹</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">儿女哭喊娘心惨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">怨,怨,怨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">长河离分情婵娟</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">多幸花喜鹊</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">为情献娇身</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">搭桥万里长</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">情思梦成真</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">银河浪滔滔</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">七七鹊桥高</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">牛郎会织女</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">窃窃私语聊</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">情深深</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">泪涟涟</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">道不尽,心思念</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">风轻轻</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">云朦朦</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">享不够,柔情浓</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">牛郎爱</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">织女情</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">天伦乐,儿女喜盈盈</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">王母有耳应有悔</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">不该千里生河川</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">最是真情难隔断</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">/</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">不羡做仙共婵娟</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:blue;">//</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">用古诗、词的句式和大体的韵脚,带上了一点古色古香的味道。别具一格,自由体诗自然就不同了。不过要想写得精彩,古诗词功底是需要的,不然只是个皮毛而已,甚至会被人说成“不伦不类”。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">大致属于</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bb</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">或</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3cm</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">风格。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">15</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3571</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">七夕</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">(</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">自由体</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">)</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">我们的祖先<span>/</span>把一个爱情故事<span>/</span>嵌入夜空,成为永恒<span>/</span>纯净着后人的眼眸和心灵<span>/</span>让我们沿思绪飞翔,寻觅<span>/</span>枕着神话遨游于星空<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">银河,隐隐闪光<span>/</span>昭示着权力杜撰下<span>/</span>既是墨守成规的冷酷<span>/</span>也是随手阻隔的厚颜无耻<span>/</span>无视,嗷嗷待哺的凄惨<span>/</span>更是划伤了天地生灵的善良<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">老牛,字字泪句句情<span>/</span>叩击着真诚与甘愿<span>/</span>幽怨的表达着临终遗言<span>/</span>朴实的省去许多华丽的装扮<span>/</span>无私到捐献出自己的身体<span>/</span>只为凡人能跨越与仙的距离<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">灵性的喜鹊,秘谋<span>/</span>用爱心舞动出一道风景<span>/</span>使出亘古未见的绝技<span>/</span>人们的想象跟着轻轻摇晃<span>/</span>搭载一程亲情团圆曲<span>/</span>成全无数人的殷切希望<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">两心相印,枷锁<span>/</span>只是戏台上用的道具<span>/</span>相望,成了最亮的景点<span>/</span>河水静静流淌,时光品头论足<span>/</span>演绎着喜与悲,泪光里<span>/</span>绽开我们自己的心花<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您的这首自由诗属于无韵的</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2bd</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">类散文体诗。对于七夕牛郎织女鹊桥相会的故事的讲解有些想象但缺乏深度,因此也难以给人留下深刻印象。希望作者写作这一类题材时,有更多的挖掘和延伸。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">下面再看看第二组六首词作。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">16</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp; 3584</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">天仙子</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">牛郎:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">张先体</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">影落碧莲池水润,多少别离多少闷。长河无路两相思,君若问,心无恨,愿守浩</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">宆</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">成玉瑾。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">心若有情情有分,情到此时心已近。人间天上共牵魂,风入韵,云传信,月掩夕楼灯未烬。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">本次诗会词作要求是:</span></b><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">词平韵体自选词牌(附谱)韵部《词林正韵》第六部的平声部;新韵:九</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">.</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">文;曲赋不限牌式。(初学者可以不限韵部)</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">当然你完全可以不按此要求作。但词谱应该自附较好。</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您用的词谱是“天仙子”,《钦定词谱》</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> </span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">载天仙子张先体谱式是:</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">张先体 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">双调六十八字,前后段各六句五仄韵 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;">            </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●<span style="color:red;">●</span></span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●<span style="color:red;">●</span></span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●<span style="color:red;">●</span><br /> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●<span style="color:red;">●</span></span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●<span style="color:red;">●</span></span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●<span style="color:red;">●</span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您的词完全合律。韵合《词林正韵》第</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">6</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">部仄韵部,正确。惟“分”字同时在“上平十二文”及“去声十三问”可平可仄,用时应该慎重。“情有分”意思容易为平声理解。按古意又不通俗,有合适的字最好换一个。另外,您这首词的成篇凑韵凑句凑章的成份较多,创意没能写出七夕这一爱情主题的生动情景与意念。</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">11</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3498</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">点绛唇<span>-</span>戏说牛郎<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">又是七夕,老小连夜匆匆赶。鹊牵星汉,总把王母怨。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">世易时移,何不手机串。凡仙盼。视屏即见,衷肠天天涮。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">本次诗会词作要求是:</span></b><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">词平韵体自选词牌(附谱)韵部《词林正韵》第六部的平声部;新韵:九</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;color:fuchsia;">.</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">文;曲赋不限牌式。(初学者可以不限韵部)</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">当然你完全可以不按此要求作。但词谱应该自附较好。</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您用的词谱是“点绛唇”,《钦定词谱》载点绛唇一共三体。优选推荐的是:</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">点绛唇</span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;">双调四十一字,前段四句三仄韵,后段五句四仄韵 </span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">冯延巳</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">荫绿围红</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">句</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">飞琼家在桃源住</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">画桥当路</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">临水开朱户</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> 柳径春深</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">句</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">行到关情处</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">颦不语</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">意凭风絮</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">吹向郎边去</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#DEB698;"><br /> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您看第一句“七夕”(“七”是入声字)二字就出律了。下面“小、母”“手、肠”均出律。韵部未予您核对。意思凑章凑句凑韵多就不详及了。看来您缺乏系统学习。不要紧,只要有信心,学必有成!</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">9</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3464</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">《鹊桥仙》七夕<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">秋风残月,孤星遗恨,何觅断魂归路。笛音一曲夜空寒,又怎忍、霜花飞雨。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">荒荒天际,迢迢银汉,未道情思已去。梧桐叶落寂无声,隔不住、万分离绪。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">词谱应该附上。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">鹊桥仙</span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">双调五十六字,前后段各五句,两仄韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">  </span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> 欧阳修体</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"> </span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●&nbsp; </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">● </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您的这首词,平仄正确;韵用词林正韵第四部正确,虽没有符合诗会规定,还是允许。<span style="color:red;">但这首词</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">要求前后阕各两仄韵一韵到底之外,还要求上下阕的第一、二句要“对偶”。“对偶”比“对仗”的要求要宽松一些:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">四言对仗句,必是:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">*0*1/*1*0</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">;或是<span> *1*0/*0*1</span>,落脚必是 :<span>1/0</span>或<span>0/1</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">而四言对偶句,如此处是:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">*0*1/*0*1&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">落脚是:<span>1/1</span>;(当然在别的地方,还可以是<span>0/0</span>;或是<span>0/1</span>,<span>1/0</span>都是允许的。)<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">“对仗”还有词性相同,结构一致,不能无规则重字等较严的要求。而“对偶”都可以放宽。例如这首词中名家用上的句子:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">秦观的:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">“纤云弄巧,飞星传恨”;“柔情似水,佳期如梦”;<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">&nbsp;</span><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">欧阳修的:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">“月波清霁,烟容明淡”;“云屏未卷,仙鸡催晓”;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">卢炳的:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">“余霞散绮,明河翻雪”;“一宵相会,经年离别”;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">辛弃疾的:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">“少年风月,少年歌舞”;“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">高车驷马,金章紫绶”;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">方岳的:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">“今朝念九,明朝初一”;“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">春盘缕菜,春缸摇碧”;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">都是对偶的句子,而您的还有些不够。学好了对仗,对偶其实更容易些,只是没有意留意吧?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">整首词的创意,按图片意思的提示,觉得有点欠妥。图片提示应是牛郎织女鹊桥会,歌颂他们忠贞爱情以及相会欢愉之情的。此时此刻,应以正面悸动欢快情绪为上。您的词意是叹爱情离殇的,过于伤感,虽也是爱情的常见主题,却与此时情绪的主调不符。“七夕”正值仲夏,就以“秋风残月”“霜花飞雨”“梧桐叶落”的深秋景色来衬托不合适。这是您的一首旧作拿来应征的吧?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">此次应征<span>5</span>首词作,四首是“鹊桥仙”。鹊桥仙本来就适合写七夕牛女相逢的,因此本人也和作一首。韵部就采用</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您所用的《词林正韵》第四部仄声部:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">鹊桥仙<span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>七夕<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">天河渺渺,云阶漫漫,拾步匆匆登</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">去</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">。穹檐冷寂正清寒</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">,<span style="color:blue;">终盼得、鹊桥一</span><span style="color:red;">遇</span><span style="color:#FF6600;">。<span></span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">千般挂碍,万分思虑,化作温馨私</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">语</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">。月辉暗转众星垂,恰如是、一番喜</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">雨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:#FF6600;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3304</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">鹊桥仙<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">金风玉露,牛郎织女,莫叹一年一度。良辰美景本无多,万里外、安知晴雨。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">云裳织罢,鹊桥搭就,忍踏烟波浩渺。人间天上共今宵,不管那、东方欲晓。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">应该附上词谱:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">鹊桥仙</span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">双调五十六字,前后段各五句,两仄韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">  </span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> 欧阳修体</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"> </span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●&nbsp; </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">● </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您的这首词,平仄是正确的,韵部有点问题。这首词“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">要求前后阕各五句两仄韵,一韵到底</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">。您上阕韵字“度、雨”在</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">词林正韵第四部,而下阕韵字“渺、小”在第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">8</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">部,不符合要求。此</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">外,两阕的前两句要对偶,参见前面对</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3464</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品评议的有关部分</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">。您也没有注意到这一要求。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您这首词的创意,是写七夕牛女相会的,主题没有跑题,但主题思想挖掘的深度不够,不能给人留下深刻印象。“<span style="color:maroon;">万里外、安知晴雨”</span>的担心不符合图意。“<span style="color:maroon;">人间天上共今宵,不管那、东方欲晓</span>”的创意很好,可换成第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">部的韵脚。(如“可恨是,东方渐煦。”)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">3</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3300</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">鹊桥仙</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">&#8226;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">;咏七夕<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">月牙高挂,繁星明亮,银汉鹊桥搭彩。牛郎织女喜相逢,爱如水、情深似海。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">夫君遗憾,红颜含恨,怎忍分离岁载。黯然消魄隔天河,怨只怨、苍天主宰。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">应该附上词谱:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">鹊桥仙</span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">双调五十六字,前后段各五句,两仄韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">  </span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> 欧阳修体</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"> </span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●&nbsp; </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">● </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您的这首词,平仄正确,韵用词林正韵第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">5</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">部正确。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">这首词要求前后</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">阕的一、二句要对偶,您的“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">月牙高挂,繁星明亮</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">”,“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">夫君遗憾,红颜含恨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;">”</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">大体上有对偶的意思,也算符合这一要求。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您这首词的创意,主要是对七夕牛女相会的情境诠释,但我觉得情感的渲染不够,不能给人留下特别深刻的印象。尤其是韵字句,似乎都只是为了用上韵字,“<span style="color:maroon;">搭彩</span>”、“<span style="color:maroon;">岁载</span>”有凑韵形迹,不够自然;“<span style="color:maroon;">情深似海</span>”、“<span style="color:maroon;">苍天主宰</span>”都缺乏冲击力。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">13</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3521</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">鹊桥仙<span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>七夕<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">抬头明月,回眸清泪,今夕重逢愁忍。几多恩爱竟无言,执手处、繁星悄隐。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">叮咛嘱托,缠绵抚慰,转瞬分离将近。知音灵鹊搭情桥,碧海上、相思未尽。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">应该附上词谱:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">鹊桥仙</span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">双调五十六字,前后段各五句,两仄韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">  </span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> 欧阳修体</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"> </span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●&nbsp; </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;">● </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您的这首词,平仄正确,韵用词林正韵第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">6</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">部正确。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">这首词要求前后</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">阕的一、二句要对偶,您的“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">抬头明月,回眸清泪</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”,“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">叮咛嘱托,缠绵抚慰</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”对偶尚好,符合这一要求。是一篇难得的佳作,为您点赞!惟“愁忍”、“情桥”等不够通俗,还可再酌。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">下面再说第三组近体诗:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">8</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3423</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">七律</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">七夕</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">草际鸣蛩恨夜深,云阶月地怕寒音。<span> </span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">凤催织女天边渡,鹊送牛郎地角寻。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">已觉情真终不悔,不堪别恨怯成吟。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">双星一唱相思曲,天上人间泪满襟。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您这首七律平仄合律,韵叶【下平十二侵】且首句入韵,合于诗会指定的要求。您的七律功夫是很不错的。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">构思与字句方面,提一点改进的意见供您参考。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">牛女一年才一度相逢,好不容易盼到了“七夕”,应该是喜悦之情,溢于言表才对。景物的描写应当起烘托主题的作用,用“恨夜深”是不是与此时气氛不符呢?第二句“怕寒音”也没有表达出应有的情绪。中二联是七律的核心部分,要仔细斟酌才能撑起七律的架子,“鹊送牛郎”“地角寻”词不达意太凑韵了。结联也还有提升的空间。我和您一首:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">七夕迎来喜至深,人间天上奏佳音</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">牛郎惬意当难抑,织女舒颜自不禁</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">无限离情凭泪诉,几多别恨以诗吟。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">喜看华夏桥千座,不必鹊儿来费心!</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">14</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3522</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> </span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">七律<span>&nbsp; </span>七夕<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">月色朦胧小院深,葡萄架下有凄音。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">鹊桥织女缠绵语,彼岸伊人苦涩琴。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">莫问孤窗思蝶梦,皆因两地守痴心。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">多情自古伤离别,执手无言泪湿襟。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您这首七律平仄合律,韵叶【下平十二侵】且首句入韵,合于诗会指定的要求。您的七律功夫是很好的。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">但是诗意没有紧扣所提供的图片。“小院”和“葡萄架”都离题了,而“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">多情自古伤离别,执手无言泪湿襟</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”的合结似与牛女会不相关。这篇作品是别的创意诗改写的吧?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">最后说第</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">组古风作品两篇:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3248</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">双盛儿女中年路,夫妻两分赖丈母。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">喜鹊不畏人仙别,附身云海成坦途。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">两情缱绻梦依依,独思殷切魂酥酥。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">神牛尸骨今何在,年年泪飞到七夕。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">您是打算写成七律的吧?平仄未合,韵部不对,只能算古风了。希望您还是先学近体诗。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">1</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"> 3246</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">迢迢楚汉月,悠悠秋夏梦。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">至今犹未悔,窃香偷衣曾。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">年年鹊桥度,时时黄泉通。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">何不愤一字,拼却万世情。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">是打算写五律的吗?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">我觉得学写古风,也未必就比写近体诗容易许多。李白的古风就是我们最好的范本。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">注:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">6</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼重复</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">7</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼,未计入。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:0cm;"> <b><span style="font-size:26.0pt;font-family:宋体;">&nbsp; &nbsp;</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:0cm;"> <b><span style="font-size:26.0pt;font-family:宋体;">&nbsp; &nbsp;</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:0cm;"> <b><span style="font-size:26.0pt;font-family:宋体;">注:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">上一次“<span style="color:#E53333;">第</span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#E53333;">5</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#E53333;">次</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#E53333;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#E53333;">花鸟</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#E53333;">”</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#E53333;">评议兼谈古风写作</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”:</span></b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"><a href="http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34364">http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34364</a></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">详细地讲述了古风的写作。请关心古风写作的朋友前去看一下,并提出意见。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-02 00:00
统计全了,真是煞费苦心啊,请大家对号入座
2016-08-02 00:00
至此,对自由体诗的了解才形成系统,谢谢诗兄
2016-08-02 00:00
向云尔老师致敬,如此详细生动的点评,受教了。而且现身说法,可比可学。
2016-08-02 00:00
希望不跟上次一样,除了你,无人问津。。。