第八次“月上柳梢头”评议 兼谈绝句写作

云尔头像

发布时间:2016-08-16 00:00

阅读 5064 | 分类:文学

近体诗:五律(首句不入韵);七律(首句入韵);限韵部:平水韵:下平十一尤;新韵:七、尤

古风:五或七言12句以上,限仄韵体:古风韵:上去声 第十三类

词曲赋:词:自选词牌(要附谱)限韵:词林正韵第十二部的仄声部;新韵:七 尤仄声部

自由体诗:至少三段18

这次评议,我们先重点来说一说近体诗中绝句的写作,再评议本次各位的作品。

众所周知,诗词的表现风格分为清新浅淡晦涩朦胧两种。(有关介绍详见:“诗词创作中的两种表现风格 http://www.wenrenbang.com/blog.asp?wenzhangid=34556

需要说明的是,由于本人不擅长不适应“晦涩朦胧”风格的诗词,因此以下的讲解将以清新浅淡风格为主,只是个别地方稍微涉及晦涩朦胧风格的作品。

近体诗词,秉承清新浅淡风格的历来名家都不以用典(尤其不以僻典)为能事,而是以创意的新颖别致给人留下深刻印象。从结构上看,起承转合的章法都是十分鲜明的。就绝句而言,无论是五绝还是七绝,都在第三、四句转合时凸显创意的出奇制胜,而流传千古。我们来看一些例子。

李白的绝句赠汪伦:

李白乘舟将欲行,忽闻岸上踏歌声。

桃花潭水深千尺,不及汪伦送我情。

说“桃花潭”“千尺”的“水深”也不及“汪伦送我”的情深。——请注意:诗文的字面逻辑不需要增加词语就十分明晰,这是清新浅淡风格的最重要的特征。

另清平调词之一:

云想衣裳花想容,春风拂槛露华浓。

若非群玉山头见,会向瑶台月下逢。

这是写杨贵妃的,说她的美真像仙女一样。如果不是在仙境群玉山头见到,就会在西王母的瑶台才能相逢。——字面逻辑也是十分清晰的。

留言区(共15条)

2016-08-16 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">再看</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">苏轼 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">饮湖上初睛后雨:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">水光潋滟晴方好,山色空蒙雨亦奇。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">欲把西湖比西子,淡妆浓抹总相宜。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">后两句“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:maroon;">欲把西湖比西子,淡妆浓抹总相宜</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”创意妙语天成,成了千古名句。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">鲁迅的</span></b><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">自题小像:</span></strong><strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">灵台无计逃神矢,风雨如磐暗故园。<span><br /> </span>寄意寒星荃不察,我以我血荐轩辕。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">的后两句透人肺腑,故给人留下深刻印象。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">毛泽东的为李进同志题所摄庐山仙人洞照</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">暮色苍茫看劲松,乱云飞渡仍从容。<span><br /> </span>天生一个仙人洞,无限风光在险峰。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">后两句成了时代的流行语。所有这些都不以用典为创意之选。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">名家著作如此,一般作者的作品亦然。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">咏物作品是大家最喜闻乐见的一类,许多人都写过。 “水虎英雄”写了许多咏物诗创意颇为新颖深刻。如他写的“鞋”:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">闯南走北倦腾腾,饱受霜侵暑气蒸。<span><br /> </span>何苦匆匆寻出路,只缘身在最低层。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">把“身在最低层”的百姓的遭遇隐含进去了。又如他的“路灯”: <span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">助人无数未言功,心地光明自不同。<span><br /> </span>最是身居高位后,依然驱暗照西东。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">把“身居高位后”的好官仍然体恤百姓的优良品质涵盖了进去。诸如此类咏物诗很多,都有不同角度的睿见。这是咏物诗写得精妙之所在。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:36.1pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">不只是咏物诗,其他景物或事物诗也一样。如</span></strong><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">不若疏狂的“剃须”:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体;color:#F04ECD;">精修细刮未曾闲,每盼新容镜里还。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体;color:#F04ECD;">谁料粗须两腮净,却留岁月在眉间。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">联系到岁月容颜变化,把剃须感受提升了许多。<span></span></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">写诗不能只是“照实”</span></strong><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">直描,直描就如同照相机照下景物不分主次一一付诸文字,平铺直叙有如清汤寡水便没有丝毫味道,也就没有任何文学价值了。譬如描写一个人:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体;color:#070BB9;">一个鼻子两只眼,两只耳朵分两边。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体;color:#070BB9;">眉毛在上嘴在下,头发黑黑一张脸。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">——人人都如此,信息量岂不为零?<span> </span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">写景物事物,一定要围绕题意范围内最本质最中心的内涵点为主题来发挥。比如写“荷花”:你若是平白直描:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#A91BA2;">朵朵新荷水面</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#FD2211;">开</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#A91BA2;">,红花绿叶两相</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#FD2211;">挨</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#A91BA2;">。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#A91BA2;">二人岸上徐徐走,阵阵微风拂面</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">来</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">。虽韵合</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">【上平十灰】,没有多少寄意也就没有多少诗味。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">如果增加一些拟人的成份,就会上一个台阶。因为荷花塘的池边大多有柳树,荷花开放总有柳丝相伴。把柳丝与荷花的相望想象成男女情人的互相厮守就是很常规的比拟。于是可以写成:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">柳挨新朵久相</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">持</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">,伊饰衣裙炫尔</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">姿</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">腆腆羞颜才半露,眷眷媚意便心</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">知</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">。——其韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">【上平四支】,这样便会增加一些情人对望的绵绵情意。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">清新浅淡风格的诗也是可以用典故的,但一般只用明典即尽人皆知的典故。僻典用时会加注释,以便读者谙会。例如</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">要藏后注的三个典故于七绝中:<span style="color:purple;"></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">凌菡萏玉伴陵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">殷</span></b><b><sup><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Helvetica;color:red;">[1]</span></sup></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">,异地波光始育</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">芬</span></b><b><sup><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Helvetica;color:red;">[2]</span></sup></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">战败敖倭犹再发</span></b><b><sup><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Helvetica;color:red;">[3]</span></sup></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">,神州扮美有钗</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">裙</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">。——其韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">【上平十二文】,就需要注明其中的三个典故:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.8pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:22.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">注:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">传说</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Helvetica;color:red;">[1]</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">(根据西湖传说改写)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">王母娘娘有个外孙女叫“凌菡”,因特别漂亮被人嫉妒排挤,因而私自下凡来到苏杭。她在西湖边邂逅了书生陵殷,要与他成亲而触犯了天规。玉皇派天兵天将前来押解她回宫。凌菡不舍情郎陵殷,悲愤中抖落服饰上装饰的萏玉。这些萏玉是观音菩萨从她的莲座上采下送给她的护身宝贝。萏玉洒在西湖,便长出了满塘十分美丽的荷花,希望自己以荷花陪伴陵殷,看到荷花就像看到了自己。陵殷不愿离开西湖,就在灵隐寺当了和尚。人们为了怀念凌菡和她洒下的萏玉,把荷花也叫“菡萏”。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:29.25pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">传说</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Helvetica;color:red;">[2]</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">(根据桔藕树与莲换居的传说改写)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">从前,南国生有桔和莲,桔生在水中而莲长在陆上。她们都只开小白花,于是结为了闺密好朋友。桔生性妒忌别人,她见莲在岸上不用整天被水泡着,就想换到岸上去。她对莲说:“我俩换换地方住吧。”莲有些不愿意。桔连忙补充说:“换着玩玩的,你若是不舒服就再换回来。”莲答应了。于是莲换到了水中,而桔换到了陆上。 过些时候莲要换回岸上去,桔却赖皮不肯换了。莲只得努力适应水中的生活,拼命开出最美的莲花,受到了众人的追捧,姑娘小伙都来为她拍照。又把藕深深地藏在泥里,让喜欢她的人用手来抓捧自己白嫩的肌肤。而桔照样只开小白花,果实也总是酸溜溜的味道多。人们说那是她醋意多的缘故。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:22.05pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">传说</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Helvetica;color:red;">[3]</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">(根据普兰店传说改写)</span></b><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">神州临海有一片水乡,有莲花仙子与喜欢她的华夏子孙为伴,在此生生不息。可东瀛礁石上住着一条恶蛟敖倭。这敖倭是</span></b><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">龙王三太子敖丙的私生子。敖丙被哪吒打死并抽筋,魂归封神台,后姜子牙归国封神,敖丙被封为华盖星。但敖丙生性顽劣,强奸了武松的闺女生下的就是敖倭。这恶蛟敖倭</span></b><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">听说神州的莲花仙子美丽,就想来霸占她。</span></b><span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:Helvetica;color:blue;">&nbsp;</span></b></span><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">于是风和日丽的日子里,神州水乡几次乌云密布狂风骤起,恶蛟敖倭露出狰狞的獠牙,凶狠地向莲花仙子猛扑。莲花仙子奋起反抗。一场场生死搏斗在神州大地展开。莲花仙子战得遍体鳞伤,可她还是坚持着进行殊死搏斗。最后莲花仙子拼尽全力用浑天宝剑刺中了敖倭的喉咙。敖倭摔个半死躺在礁石上起不来了。敖倭被大洋那边的觅利奸救活,最近又起歹意这是后话。只说莲花仙子也疲惫不堪,奄奄一息。经过许多年的调理,莲花仙子恢复了元气,神州大地莲花盛开。敖倭在觅利奸的扶植下又想东山再起。时过境迁,今非昔比,莲花仙子的浑天宝剑更加厉害,恶蛟的痴心妄想是永不能实现的。</span></b><span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:Helvetica;color:blue;">&nbsp;</span></b></span><b><span style="font-size:14.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:方正舒体;color:purple;">(以上三则传说是笔者根据网上可查阅到的有关资料稍作了文字修改。)<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">有了这些注释,读者才便于欣赏原诗。<span></span></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></strong> </p>
2016-08-16 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">我们诗社进行了有关“蝉”的同题征诗,其中大家认为最好的是这一首:</span></strong><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">蝉</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">曾经苦寂一朝宣,饮露鸣霄不是怜。<span><br /> </span>莫道秋来悲己咽,此心无染净为蝉。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">韵【下平一先】,此诗的创意是把鸣蝉比成修禅。其实我认为,蝉鸣无论是从主观上看是它求偶(有歧见姑不议)且做欢愉之意;还是从客观上看蝉噪扰人生烦,都不是禅家修禅所应有的适喻。就算以修禅比喻,前两句作为铺垫也欠当:“苦寂”不是蝉鸣“宣”的原因,也不是修禅者修禅的原因;蝉鸣不是乞怜,但“饮露鸣霄”与“乞怜”也不搭配。“禅”也在“下平一先”,既然“此心无染”那“净为蝉”就不通也无必要,不如干脆用“禅”。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:29.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:15.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">&nbsp;</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:29.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:15.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">〖<span>1</span>:<span>142</span>〗</span></b><b><span style="font-size:15.0pt;font-family:宋体;">前千川专天仙传先全年戋玄田边阡妍连单卷然穿泉绵便燕婵娟棉钱缘牵贤烟<span style="color:red;">宣</span>荃延权联篇鲜芊迁佃员坚弦<span style="color:red;">怜</span>沿肩诠涓捐笺鸢研痊船舷滇焉莲湮咽扁填旋翩跹缠悬眠圆煎拴筵阗拳骈籼砖涎偏乾骞悛嫣铅燃虔<span style="color:red;">禅</span>溅鹃扇<span style="color:red;">蝉</span>编涟璇胭钿……<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:29.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:15.0pt;font-family:宋体;">&nbsp;</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">还有因“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">咽</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”可为“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">下平一先、去声十七霰、入声九屑</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”在同韵部“下平一先”中有,不如换成“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">噎</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”只在“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">入声九屑</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”中出现。</span></b><span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="font-size:18pt;">&nbsp;</span></b></span><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:36.15pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">我觉得写“蝉”不如从上述主观蝉欢和客观蝉烦两个方面分别写七绝更准确。<span></span></span></strong> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:36.15pt;"> <strong><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">我写的 </span></strong><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">蝉噪</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:maroon;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">二则</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">1. </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">蝉欢</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">炎天快语说心宽,求偶传呼喜逐欢。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">道是清平世间好,声声惬意送平安。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;">2. </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">蝉烦</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">聒噪</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">枝间不怕烦,兹吱轧死是谰言。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">犹如诉苦前生怨,阵阵连声似喊冤。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">下面这一首“劝蝉”:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">莫叹拘身便是囚,浓阴深处适清修。<span><br /> </span>人间多少不平事,岂费高声说理由。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">把蝉鸣当成为人间鸣不平的“高声说理由”倒是很贴切,值得肯定。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">还有一首“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">蝉</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">”:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:#FF6600;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:#FF6600;">酷暑怨鸣蝉,喋喋</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#FF6600;">咶</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:#FF6600;">噪欢。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:#FF6600;">何时修正道,静念悟真禅。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:#FF6600;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">劝它(莫高声)只须默念修禅,倒是合理,只是“咶噪”与“欢”不谐,同韵部的字可换:传、连、延、旋、咽、缠、……等字。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-16 00:00
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">这里再多说一点:写文章或是写诗词,都有一个围绕主题集中笔墨的问题。千万不能“下笔千言,离题万里!”无论是自己起意写作还是按命题写作,都必须抓住中心主旨而展开。写近体诗写律诗绝句还较容易做到,写词尤其是写中长调词就更要注意这一点了。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">例如:太阳雨应征作品:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#FD2211;">太阳雨<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">东临日高照,西侧雨丝</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">飘</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">。虫豸因时滥,禾苗得水</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">浇</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">旅人愁黯黯,嘻客乐陶</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">陶</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">。祸福胡能说,随情各自</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">聊</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:方正姚体;color:fuchsia;">外一则:<span></span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">分明日出犹遭雨,既被曛蒸又被浇。<span><br /> </span>天予桑拿何所遁,权当健浴乐逍遥。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">这两首就较恰当地显示了集中主题这一点。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">在评议本期各位作品之前,本人先应征两个:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">五律</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:purple;">月上柳梢头(首句不入韵);平水韵:下平十一尤;<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">黄昏人约后,月上柳梢头。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">燕影犹飞过,花姿也颤悠。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">和烁春方好,晴明夜正柔。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">伊人迟不至,怎把挚言留?<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">又一首:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">五律:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;">(首句不入韵);平水韵:下平十一尤;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:maroon;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">已做黄昏约,梳妆早下楼。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">日沉山脊后,月上柳梢头。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">如燕舒心渡,倚风惬意搂。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">繁星也羞匿,卿我协同游。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">本期以“月上柳梢头”为题的同题征作,截至今天<span>8</span>月<span>16</span>日<span>8:00</span>共收到应征作品<span>8</span>篇。近体诗<span>2</span>篇,词作<span>2</span>篇,自由体诗<span>4</span>篇。下面对本期同题作品进行简短点评。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">近体诗作两篇:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号<span> 3686</span>号作品<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:宋体;">五律</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Tahoma;">&nbsp;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:宋体;">扬州月夜怀友</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Tahoma;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">萧声犹在耳,月又柳梢头。<span><br /> </span>白塔杨枝折,西湖画艇游。<span><br /> </span>如堪盈手赠,可对满蟾求。<span><br /> </span>只雁天涯远,凄清泊夜舟。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">作者原注:“白塔、西湖”指扬州瘦西湖之景物<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">提几点意见供您参考:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">萧声犹在耳,月又柳梢头。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">——“萧声”是什么声?是“箫声”?还是“萧条之声”?“萧瑟之声”?怎与“月又柳梢头”关联呢?似乎缺少逻辑关系。<span><br /> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">白塔杨枝折,西湖画艇游。<span><br /> </span>如堪盈手赠,可对满蟾求。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">——“如堪…,可作…”?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">只雁天涯远,凄清泊夜舟。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">——所述是一段难忘却遗憾的情感?这是一首旧作吧?不然怎会与西湖游联系起来,或者需要加一个注解说明一下。<span><br /> <br /> </span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">3.</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号<span> 3742</span>号作品 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:宋体;">夜赋</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:Tahoma;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">兴来寻古韵,月上柳梢头。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">展卷时花赋,动情栀子优。<span><br /> </span>香凝生白玉,神朗惹清眸。<span><br /> </span>夜半诗心眷,挑灯乐不休。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">提几点意见供您参考:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">兴来寻古韵,月上柳梢头。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">——前两句缺乏因果逻辑关系。“月上……”句显得突兀。<span><br /> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">展卷时花赋,动情栀子优。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">——后句孤平,“时花<span>/</span>栀子”不合适,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">香凝生白玉,神朗惹清眸。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">——颈联、颌联都与主题“月上柳梢头”脱节。<span><br /> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">夜半诗心眷,挑灯乐不休。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">——末句孤平,可以“燃灯乐不休”或“挑灯攻不休”。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;">主题“月上柳梢头”应向“人约黄昏后”发挥。整首诗似都与主题无关。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">看两首词作。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">6</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼<span> 4005</span>号作品 长相思 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">微山湖之秋</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">微山秋,独山秋,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">两湖水产</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">又</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">丰</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">收。肥</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">鲫</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">满荡游。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">妇撑舟,姑撑舟,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">黎明放</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">罾何</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">时</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">收?月</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">上柳梢</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">头。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">作者修改为:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">微山秋,独山秋,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">两湖水产</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">又</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">丰</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">收。肥</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">鲫</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">擦</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">肩</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">游。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">夫一</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">舟,妇</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">一</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">舟,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">夫妻</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">何时</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">把</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">网收?月</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;">上柳梢</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">头。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:15.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">(红为失律处)<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">您应该按要求附上词谱,是对人对己负责任的态度。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Arial;color:red;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">长相思《钦定词谱》载有五种体式,正体是白居易体:<span> </span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">长相思 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">双调三十六字,前后段各四句三平韵、一叠韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> 白居易</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">汴水流</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">泗水流</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">叠</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">流到瓜州古渡头</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">吴山点点愁</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">  思悠悠</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">恨悠悠</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">叠</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">恨到归时方始休</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">月明人倚楼</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"><br /> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:#DEB698;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○</span><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">你的与此谱有不合,不知您的是哪一种体式?我估计您对照谱式写是不会出律的,可能没有找到原谱,而是根据某人的词作对照写的吧?——这种办法是容易失律的。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">另外,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">这是命题创作,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">这首词的主题与“月上柳梢头,人约黄昏后”的爱情约会主题要求也不一致。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">7</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼<span> 4024</span>号作品 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">《扬州慢》</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">月挂疏桐,蝉鸣碧树,晚风吹过梢头。望星空点点,浊酒对新秋。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">倚阑顾、浞河如镜,清幽芦苇,蛙语随流。怅无涯,何处青丝,何处轻舟。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">长空万里,念佳人、爱语情柔。纵逝水年华,朱颜不再,些许闲愁。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">执手十年依旧,心波荡、浅笑凝眸。待老来重忆,今生不负悠悠。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">扬州慢</span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">双调九十八字,前段十句四平韵,后段九句四平韵</span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">姜 夔</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span></b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span></b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span></b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙◎○⊙</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"><br /> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span></b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span></b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">◎</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span></b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○○</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;"> </span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:宋体;">⊙○⊙</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;">●</span><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;">○○</span><b><span style="font-size:9.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:red;">韵</span></b><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">您应该按要求附上词谱,是对人对己负责任的态度。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Arial;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:31.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">浞河是一条地方性的小河,您在诗词中引用应该加一个注解,才方便不是潍坊人阅读。为您查到补充如下:</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Arial;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:31.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:方正舒体;color:purple;">浞河:位于山东省</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:方正舒体;color:purple;"><a href="http://baike.baidu.com/view/4418.htm" target="_blank"><span style="color:purple;text-decoration:none;"><span>潍坊</span></span></a></span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:方正舒体;color:purple;">境内,是一条季节性河流。发源有二处:一处是西浞河,发源于车留庄乡常令公山西坡,经潍坊高新区,在区建有马宿水库<span>1</span>座;另一处东浞河发源于坊子区涌泉南赵庄,流经坊子区、潍坊高新区。两河在寒亭镇仓上(村)北汇为虞河,经寒亭区,入昌邑境内,在潍北农场四分场处注入渤海,全长<span>33</span>公里,河床宽<span>50</span>米,流域面积<span>35</span>平方公里,流量为<span>140</span>立方米<span>/</span>秒。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:方正舒体;color:purple;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">扬州慢是一种长调词,是很费章法安排的。您的这首词章法有些凌乱,凑章的成份较多。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">这是命题创作,</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">主题与“月上柳梢头,人约黄昏后”的爱情约会主题要求也不一致。可能是一首旧作应时的吧?<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">长调词用到的韵字较多,先后次序如何安排要与章法构思相一致,是颇费斟酌的。尤其是下阕末尾即将结束时,应是整首词的高潮了,此时韵字安排需要特别用心。您的“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">待老来重忆,今生不负悠悠。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:blue;">”结句就不够清晰精彩。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">最后来看看四首自由体诗。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Tahoma;">1</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:宋体;">号</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Tahoma;">.3636</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:宋体;">号作品</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Tahoma;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:宋体;">自由诗</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:Tahoma;"> </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:宋体;">《爱在柳枝头》</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">她在晚饭后习惯散步<span>/</span>看月亮登上柳树的枝头<span>/</span>远方的人<span>/</span>在工地的那一边<span>/</span>她在等待遥远的问候<span>/</span>她也牵挂着远方的老公<span>/</span>工地上的生活<span>/</span>是那样的艰苦<span>/</span>只有电话<span>/</span>能送达自己的叮嘱<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">他会和她讲<span>/</span>工地上的传说<span>/</span>隧道掘进的速度<span>/</span>桥墩浇筑的高度<span>/</span>也喜欢看月登柳枝头<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">她会和他讲<span>/</span>孩子在读啥书<span>/</span>弟弟在哪里打工<span>/</span>刚买的房子<span>/</span>要如何装修<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">月亮离开了枝头<span>/</span>甜蜜还在她和他的心中<span>/</span>尽管不能朝朝暮暮<span>/</span>但思念是氧气<span>/</span>充满他们的天空<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">您这是一首<span>2bd</span>类的散文诗,想象丰富也与现实可能的情况很靠近。但这是命题创作,与</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">“月上柳梢头,人约黄昏后”的爱情约会主题要求不太一致。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号 自由体诗 </span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;">我以月光的方式洗白冬天</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">江南少雪。江南的冬夜,月亮浑圆<span>/</span>白天的污浊,正在减少黑暗的纯洁<span>/</span>即使想以铺天盖地的雪覆灭罪证,骄阳曝晒下<span>/</span>所有不幸裸露无遗,就连我的乡愁也肮脏难堪<span>/</span>对于兄弟姐妹的深切思念,我不可耻<span>/<br /> </span>对于藏匿于心灵的小情人,我无法言说<span>/</span>提到父亲与母亲,他们的双眼陷入太多苦难<span>/</span>雪上加霜无法做到的事,必须以月光的铅洗还以清白<span>/</span>接下来的日子,如果一直寒冷。冷到分不清世界<span>/</span>到底是黑暗还是光明,我要以葬身来洗白冬天<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">读不懂您的这首诗如何与</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">“月上柳梢头,人约黄昏后”的爱情约会主题要求关联起来。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;">5</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;">号<span>&nbsp; 3976</span>号作品<span>&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-size:16pt;font-family:宋体;">月上柳枝头</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">好想把你放弃<span>/</span>你却一直扎根在我心里<span>/</span>五年前的七夕夜<span>/</span>月上柳枝头<span>/</span>你我相偎相依…<span>/</span>突然你说</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Tahoma;color:blue;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></b><b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">你要去北方<span>/</span>而我却要回到那久违的故乡<span>/</span>不曾想到那一次偎依<span>/</span>是否会是今生的别离<span>/</span>我看天看云看青山绿水<span>/</span>盼星星盼月亮盼鸿鸽传佳音<span>/</span>想你无处倾泄<span>/</span>唯有用文字把你扔进诗行<span>/</span>把杂碎的往事细嚼<span>/</span>同孤夜慢熬<span>/</span>月上柳枝头<span>/</span>孤影<span>/</span>思殇<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">您把</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">“月上柳梢头,人约黄昏后”的爱情约会演绎成了爱情悲剧。这与欧阳修“生查子<span>·</span>元夕”的<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">去年元夜时,花市灯如昼。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">月上柳梢头,人约黄昏后。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">今年元夜时,月与灯依旧。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">不见去年人,泪湿春衫袖。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">”<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">的前后对比意情境相一致。其实不联系欧阳修全词只按“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">月上柳梢头,人约黄昏后</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">”发挥亦可,更加符合本期题意。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">8</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;">楼<span> 4025</span>号作品 <span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:blue;">月的约会<span>/</span>月约了谁<span>/</span>华灯初上就爬上了柳梢<span>/</span>圆圆的脸,胖胖的笑<span>/<br /> </span>眸光,坠入了爱河<span>/</span>夜色依然沉静<span>/</span>你从山的一边悄悄地溜出<span>/</span>却忘记了藏起<span>/</span>多情的目光,一路深情<span>/</span>心向着远方<span>/</span>却没有片刻地停歇<span>/</span>那一汪深情<span>/</span>飘进哪家的窗牖?倾诉<span>/</span>差一点与风撞个满怀<span>/</span>慌不择路地奔逃<span>/</span>不小心,跳进了湖里<span>/</span>满湖的银光<span>/</span>缠绵的思绪也乘上了翅膀<span>/</span>驾着风,揽一怀月色<span>/</span>飞向心上人<span>/</span>是否?与月相约<span>//</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">您这首自由诗,诗思飞扬,想象丰富。是力图</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">与</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">“月上柳梢头”的主题提示相关联的。但您可能对欧阳修的“生查子<span>·</span>元夕”:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">去年元夜时,花市灯如昼。月上柳梢头,人约黄昏后。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:purple;">今年元夜时,月与灯依旧。不见去年人,泪湿春衫袖。</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">”<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;">不太熟悉而另外发挥的想象吧?</span></b><b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:35.95pt;"> <b><span style="font-size:18.0pt;font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;"></span></b> </p>
2016-08-16 00:00
感谢云尔老师耐心点评,可见用心之至。我大青诗有云尔老师,不愧我辈之荣幸。再赞
2016-08-16 00:00
欣赏云尔老师点评,可惜最近忙,没机会投稿,但是坚持来看你的点评,期待中
2016-08-16 00:00
云尔老师辛苦了,每期有你的点评,作者可以提高很快。<BR> 我们坚定的围绕云尔老师打造青诗第一诗评品牌。
2016-08-16 00:00
云尔老师辛苦了,下期投稿了
2016-08-16 00:00
问好云尔老师,你是青诗最大的宝
2016-08-16 00:00
随风谬奖了。我不过是冒昧谈一些个人的看法。可能有失偏颇的,愿您提出不同意见讨论!
2016-08-16 00:00
我们一同学习吧!
2016-08-16 00:00
谢谢云尔老师耐心细致精到的点评!特别对我《扬州月夜怀友》问题的指教,使我受益非浅。今后一定更好地学习,更认真(这次箫字误为萧,本意因箫声引怀思念,而展开下文。因此一字之误,就割裂了)、更努力。谢谢老师教益。
2016-08-16 00:00
不能太过奖!我这是勉为其难呢!
2016-08-16 00:00
欢迎参与!
2016-08-16 00:00
才子过誉,云尔不敢当!
2016-08-16 00:00
谢谢云尔老师费心费时精到的点评,特别对拙作《扬州月夜怀友》问题的指出,让我得益非浅。今后要更认真(此次箫误写萧,本意闻箫声忆及旧日扬州西湖与友同聆箫而引发下文,误为萧上下文割裂了)、更努力地习作。再次衷心地谢谢老师!