研学诗会(5)江山 点评 - 云尔 - 五略商书

研学诗会(5)江山 点评

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研学诗会(5)江山 点评

本期诗会要求是:

诗会主题:《江山》【国画,看图写意】

1、图意:江山遐想【见下图】。

2、五律(首句不入韵);或七律(首句入韵);限韵部:(平水韵:下平七阳;新韵:十、唐);

3、古风格式:五或七言12句以上,不限韵部;

4、自由体诗:至少三段18行;

5、词曲赋:词限踏莎行 秦观体(附谱)不限韵。

  

不坏规矩,评议各位作品之先,自己先应征一个:

按“词限踏莎行 秦观体(附谱)不限韵。”的要求:

  踏莎行 * 题图“江山”

山里泉流,水中山映。麓沿山坳通幽径。青葱一片掩人家,凡人已在仙人境。
梦里家山,画中梦影,山歌迎得船帆并。归来游子自多情,权留一阕清词咏。

谱式:(晏殊体 与秦观体基本一致)

◎●○○  ⊙○◎● ⊙○◎●○○● ◎○⊙●●○○ ⊙○◎●○○● 

◎●○○  ⊙○◎● ⊙○◎●○○● ⊙○◎●●○○ ⊙○◎●○○●

韵叶《词林正韵》第十一部

 

外七律一首:

七律 *  江山题图

几回渡海梦家乡,恨不船帆似翮翔。

前麓山青荣竣秀,后坡水翠溢绵长。

村民创业生财巧,市客休闲度假忙。

千里回归寻故地,逢迎父老慰衷肠。

叶韵:下平七阳

首先说说国画“江山”题图写意创作的建议。

切图写作,要把自己融入到画作里面去,才能不跑偏,才能情感充沛,才能写得精彩。

如何融入到画作里面去呢?我想可以有如下几种角度,供大家参考:

第一,你可以就是住在这个山坳里的主人,每天进出山村,司空见惯了这里的山山水水,但你很享受这里的一切。

第二,你可以是山乡人,有满腔热爱家乡的情怀。想把这里的景致,介绍给朋友,希望他们到这里来做客、游玩。

第三,你可以是从这里走出去的山乡子弟,多年在外闯荡。现在乘画中那条帆船,满怀喜悦的心情回到家乡。我上面写的“踏莎行”与“外一首*七律”就是按照这一思路写的。

第四,你可以是一个外地人城里人,从未涉足山里的景观,对这里的山山水水有一种新奇愉悦的感觉,想充满激情地写出来。

第五,你可以是画家作者的朋友,为此画作题图,赞扬祖国山河的壮美。

第六,你可以是收藏此画作的收藏家,以诗词作的形式题几句欣赏时的感想在图的一角,作为纪念留迹。

第七,你可以只是一个诗词爱好者,朋友赠你此画,写你看此画的某种旁观心情,因只泛泛涉及画作内容,故不题在画上;

第八,或者是此画在参展,而你是对国画颇有研究的内行,写你对此画的褒贬意见。包括构图是否合理,色彩是否得当等等。

第九,你还可以做种种设想,只要与此图有关,与图中描绘的山水有关,均可。

其他的设想也可以,但必须切图,必须与此图有关联进行合理的联想。离图意太远就不合适了。

   

下面来粗浅评点各位的作品:

留言区(共22条)

2016-07-26 00:00
不辛苦。只望每次的点评,大家都来看看,讨论也好!
2016-06-29 00:00
感谢云尔老师点评,云尔老师辛苦。
2016-06-28 00:00
点评大家的诗词,我也是学习中。——愿共勉吧!
2016-06-27 00:00
谢谢云尔老师的点评!一语击中要害,看图写诗尚在学习中,学习了。
2016-06-27 00:00
谢谢才子鼓励!——俺不过是一个雷达工程师,做技术工作,习惯了认真而已。
2016-06-27 00:00
热烈欢迎您参与同题诗会!——点评不过是我的一孔之见,供作者参考而已!
2016-06-27 00:00
先生如此褒誉,实在不敢当!愿共勉!——握手!
2016-06-27 00:00
很高兴冰竹来过目留字。——能对你有帮助,就心安理得了!
2016-06-27 00:00
呵呵,还真不知道您的是哪一篇呢!
2016-06-26 00:00
谢谢老师点评,鄙人拙作让老师费心了,受益匪浅。
2016-06-26 00:00
站长别客气!<BR> 因为是自己创意的题目,必然要早早关注的。是提前就着手了。
2016-06-26 00:00
谢谢清清阅读留言!
2016-06-26 00:00
青岛诗社有如此讲求学问之人,其发展必矣,感谢老先生每期都有如此点评,实在令老朽感激。下期我也争取进步,在老先生的门下投上一稿。
2016-06-26 00:00
向云尔老师致敬,我虽为一人民教师,但我所佩服者,敬业也,云尔老师当此殊荣。
2016-06-26 00:00
第一次看我们同题诗会的点评,没想到让我吃惊,真好,下一期我也投稿,有此高人指点,何愁不进步。
2016-06-26 00:00
点评细致入微,恰到好处。学习了,老师辛苦了!
2016-06-25 00:00
&nbsp; <p style="text-indent:35.95pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:18pt;">下面来粗浅评点各位的作品:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:35.95pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:18pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">1</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>1783</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">岸阔水盈江漫雾,山岌岭险谷流石。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">而今不畏多歧路,但恨年少不览书。<span> 2016/6/12</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">本期征诗,近体诗的要求是“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">、五律(首句不入韵);或七律(首句入韵);限韵部:(平水韵:下平七阳;新韵:十、唐);</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”您的七绝不在要求之内,韵部亦不合要求。亦不是符合征诗古风要求的古风。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">山岌岭险谷流石——<span>0011100</span>,可见您用的是今音,故必须标注用“新韵”。新韵里韵字“石”属于“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">十三、支-<span>i(</span>零韵母<span>)</span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”而末句“但恨年少不览书”韵字“书”应属于“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">十四、姑<span> u </span>ㄨ</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”,不在一部了。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">从意境来说,前三句写的是图景,而合结的末句就离图意太远了些。如果您是从这种山区走出去的学子,第三句写了“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">而今不畏多歧路</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”,结句写不负山水养育之恩会比较好。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span> &nbsp;&nbsp;1868</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">江山</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">白马青衫赴冥泉,提壶笑问三尺剑。</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">万丈红尘无恋处,皇图霸业已成烟。</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">2016/6/14</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">您这是一首不合征诗古风要求的古风。而且与图似无关系。发在征题图国画“江山”诗,有些可惜了。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">3</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>1908</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>记游曲阜三孔<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>(</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">一<span>)</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">万世宗师久已仰,身临其庙敬益长。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">纷纷众生皆长跪,几人只为先生样。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>(</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">二<span>)</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">千年古柏已合抱,枝叶疏朗精神饱。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">万冢相伴不清闲,独留世代衍公袍。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp; </span>2016/6/15</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">“记游曲阜三孔”诗,发在</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">征题图国画“江山”,不合征诗要求。</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">4</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>1912</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>《桥在江山里》<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">有山有江有水<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">虽然很美很美<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">但大山的子民<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">要出入,需要过江涉水<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">如果没有下雨<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">不会有激流<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">也不会有风险与情危<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">但夏天,是山民无奈的夏季。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">如果江山如画</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">应该有过江的桥跨</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">快快乐乐的出入</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">平平安安的四季</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">去年,建桥人在江边言语</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">要驯服一江江水</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">工人们日夜连续</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">今年的秋天</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">山民们就买回了拖拉机</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">从此不再过江涉水</span></b><b><span style="font-family:&#718;&#805;;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">2016/6/15</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">——呵呵,有想象力。散文诗吧?我觉得也应该有诗的语言特质,否则读者会更愿意看散文。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">5</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp; </span><span>&nbsp;</span>2021</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>《江山》<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">你可是<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">英雄指点的江山<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">尽管秋去冬来<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">季节在更换<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">历史的风云突变<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">看今朝<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">英雄的豪情依旧<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">漫步云端<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">你可是<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">爱美人遗弃的江山<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">尽管封疆的国土<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">来之不易<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">荒淫俘获了情感<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">忘记了<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">驰骋沙场时的鏖战<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">征袍血染<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">你可是<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">倭寇铁蹄践踏的江山<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">尽管山河悲恸<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">六万万同胞生灵涂炭<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">一个民族的惊颤<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">激发了黄河的怒吼<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">不愿做奴隶的人拿起<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">杀敌的大刀片<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">你可是<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">祖国富饶美丽的江山<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">我引以为豪的故乡<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">钓鱼岛锦绣的山峦<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">南海晚归的白帆<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">都是我最最热爱的<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">祖国的领土<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">神圣不可侵犯<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;</span>2016/6/16<span>&nbsp; </span><span>&nbsp;</span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">有深度,有广度;有豪情,有挚爱。但套话大话空话多了些,疑老干体会被许多人抵制。依我之见,不如就一个方面展开,也许会淋漓尽致许多。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">6</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2053</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>咏江山 浦江抒怀<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">凭窗远眺,江水滔滔。微风细雨,薄雾笼罩。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">四十年去,人生漂摇。回首前尘,如梦初晓。,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">历尽坎坷,童心未了。再续盛世,治疴除草。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">励精图治,江山富饶。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;</span>2016/6/17</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">四言古风,如果写成诗经体古风,会更有味道。您不妨学着写得古味更浓些。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">7</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2073</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp; </span><span>&nbsp;</span><span>&nbsp;</span></span>江山遐想<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">杨黄北地遍秋凉,柳绿南疆普夏长。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">青海湖中云翼廓,太行山外雁声茫。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">一轮明月万家汇,两岸清风千里徉。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">最爱菊开重九日,长城依旧尽枫霜。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp; </span>2016/6/17</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">您这首七律格律正确,用韵符合要求。内容切题基本是对的。提几点意见您参考:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:-24.75pt;margin-left:24.75pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;"><span>①.<span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">中二联有对仗了,对仗联不前移时,第一二句没必要也对仗。当然用对仗句也可以,但不能弱化了其主要“缘启”的功能。为了交代写这篇七律的缘起,可能还不如不用对仗句。比如:江山锦绣梦中藏,万里归来访故乡。这也是第三种思路;又如:坡头一望柳丝长,锦绣江山是故乡。这是第一种思路的开头,等等。且您“普夏长”明显是为了凑与“遍秋凉”对仗,也不自然。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:-24.75pt;margin-left:24.75pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;"><span>②.<span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">颌联、颈联:“青海湖中云翼廓,太行山外雁声茫。一轮明月万家汇,两岸清风千里徉。”切图不够紧。想到青海湖、太行山去,可以说有点远。颌联的内容应该就是图中的景象;颈联的联想应该就据此展开。“一轮…”“两岸”仍是承的句式。且“雁声茫”“千里徉”是凑韵。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:-24.75pt;margin-left:24.75pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;"><span>③.<span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">最后的结联,意境提高不够。说“菊开重九”、“长城依旧”不但无缘无据,也不便用以提升写此诗的高度。可以例如:待到如期归去日,父老依依诉衷肠。按的第三种思路。也可以:但等游人来造访,美景山歌野味尝。是第一种思路。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">8</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2155</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp; </span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span>&nbsp;</span></span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:22pt;">江山赋<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">江山如画,其山青,其水碧,其景波澜壮阔,任雨打风吹不去。仁人志士,其意高,其志远,其行风云变色,尽归秋水长空。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">层峦叠嶂,雾染青石,织锦绣而生云霞。花草流芳,倾星动月,飘广寒而醉仙娥。清风起则华彩霓裳,瑞雪飘则白璧银装。得幽兰于空谷,仰福地于洞天。松柏与千岩竞秀,沃野携百水长流。叹江山之无极,感自然之有道。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">天高地远,水荡平川,舞生灵而拨宇宙。辽原过雁,诉依恋之情五千里;白练行舟,写逍遥自在一脉间。春至则万物俱发,秋来则九星列观。日行中天,仰上苍之浩淼;雨润阔野,慕世界之苍茫。盘古创世,开天地于远古;娲娘造人,辟盛况于今朝。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">千古人杰,万载风流,扬浩然之气,书青史之名。金戈铁马,踏征尘而乾坤在握;朱笔丹青,绘疆土而安邦兴国。然风云过眼,江山定则蛟龙归海;即四方来朝,飞鸟尽则良弓藏山。儒隐青山而寻道,士游沧海而问仙。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">虽闲云野鹤,心依竹木,犹未忘庙堂之安;而林下神仙,情寄山水,亦常思江湖之治,何也?人非草木,志在苍生,江山之魅,胡不关情?有诗云(七绝):<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">东流碧水洗霓裳,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">万里平川入渺茫,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">试问扁舟何处去?<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">青山共饮望天长。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp; </span>2016/6/20</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">——赋作难写。既考验作者知识的积淀,又考验作者对词语的驾驭;既要有很好的音韵感知能力;又要有过硬的复句对仗功夫。作者是有训练基础的,十分钦佩!<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">不过按赋谱说:“赋句有壮(三言)、紧(四言)、长(五六七八九言)、隔(隔句对偶)、漫(不对合)、发(提引)、送(送语)”组合而成,不可偏舍。而隔句分“轻隔(四六句)、重隔(六四句)、疏隔(上三下任意字句)、密隔(上五下六句)、平隔(四四或五五句)、杂隔(四五或四七、四八、五四、七四、八四等)”且此六隔中虽“皆为文之要”,而应以“轻、重为最。杂次之,疏、密次之,平为下。”也就是说要多用四六、六四句式,少用其他句式。您此赋中杂隔(首段<span>43367/43366</span>—末句少一字;第二段<span>447/447</span>,<span>8/8</span>,<span>6/6</span>……等)较多,而轻隔<span>46</span>句式只有两组“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">日行中天,仰上苍之浩淼;雨润阔野,慕世界之苍茫。盘古创世,开天地于远古;娲娘造人 ,辟盛况于今朝。<span style="color:red;">”略嫌单薄少了一些。<span></span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">至于其他各种章法上对句式组合的进一步要求,能逐步做到自然是最好,初学难以尽美,也是不能苛求的。敝人亦不娴熟。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">总之,我等初学诗词者,尝试写作赋者少之又少,您能有此大作,弥足珍贵,实堪褒誉!<span><br /> <br /> </span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">9</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2258</span>号作品 <span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></span>征文:题《江山》图<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">云海奇观任自狂,峰峦叠翠绘苍茫。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">穿山瀑布千年涌,逐浪帆船万里扬。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">夜半钟声灵隐寺,林荫鸟语梦思乡。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">幽幽小径花间月,疑是桃源即此方。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">2016/6/21</span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">——您的七律合律合韵,意境切图,完全符合本期征诗要求。给您提几点进一步提高的意见供您参考。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">1.</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">首联以交代写此诗的来由或作者与此地此景的关系,引起全诗较好。和颌联一样描写景致有点唐突。例如你要结句“疑是桃园即此方”,说明你是外来欣赏的目光。那首联例如可以:“是景初临意气昂,挥毫重彩写苍茫。”<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">2.</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">颌联、颈联是全诗的核心,承转的架构是对的。但“千年涌<span>/</span>万里扬”似不如“飞千载<span>/</span>走四方”;“灵隐寺”是专有名词,“梦思乡”对之欠妥,不如放弃没来头的“灵隐寺”。 “夜半”对“林荫”也不好。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">3.</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">合联“幽幽小径花间月”作为结句“疑是桃园即此方”的铺垫也不够。例如换以“有闲亟愿常来住”铺垫会不会好一些呢?不过这也只是我的个见而已。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">4.</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">诗词词语须练打磨功夫,词句搭配准确才会生动。例如“任自狂”与“云海奇观”搭配就不是很好。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p>
2016-06-25 00:00
拜读。学习。致敬,云老师,辛苦了,非常认真仔细,有理有据,功底。
2016-06-25 00:00
看完云尔老师点评,有几点想法:<BR> 1,点评细致,每篇每字都不漏过。<BR> 2,以身做则,诗词均要现身说法,自已作品给大家指出创作方向。<BR> 3,及时敬业,研学诗会刚收尾,即做出详细点评,功夫肯定做在了平时。<BR> 向云尔老师致敬。
2016-06-25 00:00
谢谢冷月临帖过目留字。
2016-06-25 00:00
先生点评,有理有力,入木三分,拜读
2016-06-25 00:00
&nbsp; <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">10</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2299</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>《桂枝香》<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">江山凝练,望碧水生辉,烟波柔婉。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">万里层峦叠翠,百花明灿。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">双帆远去消天际,脉余辉、激流冲岸。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">瀑声溪谷,鱼龙浅跃,乡村浮现。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">怅今古、青山不厌,叹世事无常,谁来评断。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">铁马征程,踏破几多哀愿。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">大江滚滚东流去,白云悠悠千重变。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">风光依旧,流年不再,莫空留恋。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-align:left;" class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">——诗会要求“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">词限踏莎行 秦观体(附谱)不限韵。</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”“桂枝香”不合要求,但猜作者一定能写出合格的“踏莎行”。下次请留意诗会体裁的要求。</span></b><b><span style="font-family:Tahoma;color:red;font-size:16pt;"><br /> </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">——《钦定词谱》“桂枝香”共</span></b><b><span style="font-family:Tahoma;color:red;font-size:16pt;">6</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">体,您的为王安石体:</span></b><b><span style="font-family:Tahoma;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p style="text-align:left;" class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">桂枝香</span></b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">双调一百一字,前后段各十句,五仄韵</span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">   王安石</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;"></span> </p> <p style="text-align:left;" class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙○◎</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">◎</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">◎○</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句 </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙◎○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵 </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句 </span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵 </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙○◎</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句 </span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">读</span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">◎⊙</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙○◎</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">◎○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span> </p> <p style="text-align:left;" class="MsoNormal" align="left"> <span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">◎◎</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">读</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○</span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙◎○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">◎</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">◎○◎</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙◎○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">◎○⊙</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:12pt;">⊙○⊙◎</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">句</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12pt;">○○</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;">●</span><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:9pt;">韵</span><span style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12pt;"></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">下次写词请附上词谱,您是举手之劳,就免了评议者查找之累。最后给您说个今后努力的方向:“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:16pt;">江山凝练,…。百花明灿。…消天际,脉余辉、…。瀑声溪谷,鱼龙</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">浅</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:16pt;">跃,乡村浮现。怅今古、青山不厌,…,谁来评断。铁马征程,踏破几多哀愿。…,流年不再,莫空留恋。</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”这些句子都不够顺,有凑句之嫌。而“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:16pt;">大江滚滚东流去,白云悠悠千重变。</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”对仗最好,您也试图写成对仗的,却没能对仗工整。是否必要在对仗方面再下点功夫呢?您参考勿见隙!</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">11</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2447</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>《江山遐想》<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">一幅《江山》<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>点亮眸中的星光<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>参悟不出它的语意<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">默默对视<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>断然,是我渺小的诠释<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>山山水水<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">墨韵拉近了它和我的距离<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>绵绵群山连着天际<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>潺潺流水充盈生存的脉络<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>祥和美好,心儿也随着攀越<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>风云在变幻<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>内忧外患虎视眈眈<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>雾霾粉尘步步逼近<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>背上行囊想休闲<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>是否还能找到天然的氧吧<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>江山,我们的家园<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>祖祖辈辈的血汗<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>浸染,如此多娇的风采<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>捍卫和守护<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>更是我们不可推卸的责任 <span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;</span>2016/6/23</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:18pt;">——您这首自由体诗,和下一首<span>12</span>楼<span>2454</span>号作品一并在下面评议。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">12</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2454</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp; </span><span>&nbsp;</span><span>&nbsp;</span></span>江山<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">一棵大树<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>一个信仰<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>在明波暗涌中成长<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>于酷暑严寒中屹立<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>无怨无悔<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>保护着她的子民<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>谁<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>造就这锦绣河山<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>不是造物主<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>不是神灵<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>是华夏儿女的传承<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>古文化<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>先人们智慧的结晶<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>古文明<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>是先人们勤劳勇敢的象征<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>江山如画<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>多少蛮夷曾垂涎<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>中华儿女<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>誓死捍卫 她的尊严<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>《星星之火,可以燎原》<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>唤醒了沉睡千年的雄狮<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>《论持久战》<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">敲醉了东瀛人的肋骨<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>铮铮铁血男儿<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>满腔热血喷洒在这锦绣河山<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>青山依旧<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>江河滔滔<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>大树下<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>鸟语花香<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>一座座温馨小屋<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>一个个世外桃园<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>深化改革<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>和谐发展<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>中国梦<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>人美<span><span>&nbsp; </span></span>江山更美<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>用江水为墨 青山为屏<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>为江山描绘出一幅美好的历史画卷<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">2016/6/23</span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:35.95pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:18pt;">——我觉得初学者写自由体诗容易写得泛泛而缺乏深度,就难以给读者留下深刻的印象。比如这幅国画图片的题图,由于画面设计的内容很多,粗看有山有水有树有人家;细看有花有草有路有岭坡;实看有山河的壮美,联想有历史的沧桑,都需要讴歌,都需要赞颂,那如果不能长篇巨制,就只能轻轻点到,不痛不痒而流于泛泛了。前一首“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">11</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span> 2447</span>号作品《江山遐想》</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:18pt;">”和这一首“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">12</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span> 2454</span>号作品 江山</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:18pt;">”我觉得都是这个问题,着眼点太宽,写的深度不够。与其四面出击难以突围,不如集中一面,淋漓痛快。可以只写山,可以只写水;可以只写山村,可以只写山民;甚至可以只写山里的雾气,只写山里的婉径;……<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:35.95pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:18pt;">我愿意复制一首我的旧作与二位共勉。该图片上最显眼的是正中山崖上留下的瀑布,那是山泉集汇而成,流到一条大江之中。这是构图的主要对象之一,所以未尝不可就以泉水做歌颂对象,来避免泛泛。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:35.95pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:18pt;">敝作如下:(这也许是另一种自由体诗的风格吧,特向您推荐。)<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:35.95pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:18pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:red;font-size:26pt;">山泉</span></b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:red;font-size:26pt;"><br /> </span><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:red;font-size:14pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">你是山岳的脉管,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">淌出来的素净血液;<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">你是林海的松涛,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">沉下来的凝重音符。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">你秉着松杉与泥土的质朴,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">你蘸着蒲公英和野百合的芬芳。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">开始你的万里东旅,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">去圆你那探海的理想。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">就这样,无悔地告别故乡的沃土,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">就这样,执着地远游异域的风光。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">耐得住百折千回,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">越得过千阻万挡。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">无论是那下滩的窃窃私语,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">还是那拍岸的动地涛声;<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">都是你一往无前的毅力,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">都是你所向披靡的决心。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">那一路的歌,一路的舞,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">曾编织出多少精彩的节目,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">那一路的见,一路的闻,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">曾演绎出多少动人的故事。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">既便到了遥远的大洋,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">你又会义无反顾地幻化升腾:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">化作云霞,化作时雨。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">又回到这山里来,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;</span><span>&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">成为这山的汁液,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">成为山的绿色精灵。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">啊!我愿变成深深堰塘,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">我愿变成重重山岭;<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">我愿化作层层细草,<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">我愿化作道道田塍。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">为的是更久地留住你啊!<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">让我们一同护卫这山的绿韵!<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family:幼圆;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">(<span>2012-12-11</span>)<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">13</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2475</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>题画诗<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>江山<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">雾绕峰峦叠韵悠,飞珠溅浪去东流。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">轻风剪柳金丝缕,细雨催开粉面羞。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">松下人家招远燕,岸边货艇待归舟。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">溪桥倒影芳菲醉,万里豪情一画收。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">2016/6/24</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">——本期征诗,近体诗的要求是“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">、五律(首句不入韵);或七律(首句入韵);限韵部:(平水韵:下平七阳;新韵:十、唐);</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”您的七律韵部不合要求。其实您是有能力按要求写的,下次请留意诗会要求。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">剪柳<span>/</span>催开<span style="color:red;">”大意了吧?“</span>货艇待归舟<span style="color:red;">”意思不合理吧?“</span>松下茅庐迎宿燕,岸边家母待归舟<span style="color:red;">”可否?结联最好也再斟酌一下,因为出彩就应在结收之处。“万里豪情”太空了些。<span></span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">14</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp; </span>2494</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>七律(新韵<span>)<span>&nbsp; </span></span>题《江山》图<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">江山万里卷轴藏,水墨风云泼画堂。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">雾霭绵延连翠壁,清流迤逦映银樯。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">芳草岸上茅屋静,花径尽头飞瀑长。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">望断桃源终是客,何如纸外去亲尝?<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">2016/6/24</span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">——您的七律合韵,意境切图,完全符合本期征诗要求。您用词生动,合结精彩,几是一首佳作!可惜有点小缺点:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">1. </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">第五句“草”出律了;<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">2. </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">第二句“泼画堂”有点凑,不够准确,宜再酌;<span></span></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:36pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">3. </span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">颈联若有转意,不止直述景而加上宜居、利赏的意思会更好些。例如:“气清村野招人至,地避林幽着客量。”<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">15</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2499</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>七绝《题图》<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">莺啼画里几人家,浓淡相宜近复遐。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">白玉纱中山叠翠,一江春水隐天涯。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;"><span>&nbsp;</span>2016/6/24</span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">本期征诗,近体诗的要求是“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">2</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;">、五律(首句不入韵);或七律(首句入韵);限韵部:(平水韵:下平七阳;新韵:十、唐);</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">”您的七绝不在要求之内,韵部亦不合要求。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;">“近复遐”不通,凑韵了。“</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">一江春水隐天涯<span style="color:red;">”意思也没有表达明确。<span></span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:red;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:楷体_GB2312;color:fuchsia;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p style="text-indent:35.95pt;" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:18pt;">综观十五位朋友的作品,敝以为如下三篇作品较好:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">8</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2155</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>江山赋<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">9</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2258</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>征文:题《江山》图<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">14</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp; </span>2494</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>七律(新韵<span>)<span>&nbsp; </span></span>题《江山》图<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:16pt;">尤其是:<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">8</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>2155</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>江山赋<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">14</span></b><b><span style="font-family:宋体;font-size:16pt;">楼<span><span>&nbsp; </span>2494</span>号作品<span><span>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span>七律(新韵<span>)<span>&nbsp; </span></span>题《江山》图<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:16pt;">两篇作品更好一些。<span></span></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family:宋体;color:blue;font-size:16pt;"></span></b> </p>
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